Its wrong that priests have to live a life of forced celibacy . They should get married and let celibacy come upon them the usual way.
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My monster costume for Halloween’s just going to be whispering, “better hope it’s not the poisoned one,” to kids when I hand out candy.
TIN MAN: I want a heart
COWARDLY LION: And I want courage
ZOMBIE: Braaaaains
ACTOR PLAYING COWARDLY LION: W-wait. Where the hell’d Ray go?
i asked my husband to get something larger than the tiny bottle of olive oil he usually buys…
Really, there’s no need to ever take your kids anywhere fun because they can just sit and complain at home for a lot less money.
My 4-year-old asked what drunk means.
I said “Happy”
Now I have to go to a meeting at her preschool because she told everyone she’s drunk.
everyone make a new friend so you don’t get assigned to David
[planning heist]
leader: the security guard will take his break from 3:15 to 3:30 so that’s when you will-[notices my disapproving expression] what?
me: that’s when I take my break too tho
*rolls out of bed*
*rolls into other strategically placed bed*
“Nice.”
Parenting teenagers is easy since they already know everything.
5 just handed me the household nunchucks and said, “here, you’re in charge now.”
Cop:Do you know why I pulled you over Miss?
Me:[takes a quick suck off helium balloon] No officer why?
Cop:Lol, nevermind
IT’S NOT A PHASE, DAD
[slowly rises from trashcan while 2 friends are making plans without me]
i am also free that day.
Bumped into my Ex again. I should really move her to a different part of the freezer.
Someone please tell me this is for something other than a baby conference/infant symposium
Me: “Is this seat taken?”
Him: “There’s an open stall right next to me…and this is the men’s room.”
Me: I love you
Husband: I love you, too
Me: Please remember that when you get the January Amex bill
older woman => young dude: cougar
older man => young women: manther
older man => younger men: faguar
older woman => younger women: sheetah
It would be easier if they just reported which parts of the globe aren’t on fire and don’t have hurricanes.
Welcome to the middle age, there is no more a 5 second rule coz who tf can lift stuff in 5 seconds
started a fight with my boyfriend because we were watching moulin rouge together and i asked him if he would kiss me if i contracted tuberculosis and he hesitated for 5 seconds
ME: I’d give anything to talk with my dad again
(my dad’s ghost appears)
DAD: Hey son
ME: Dad!
DAD:
ME:
DAD:
ME:
DAD:
ME:
DAD: So uh… do you wanna talk to your mother now
ME: yeah ok
DAD: good talking to you
ME: you too dad
Surprise your boyfriend with new boyfriend this valentine
Thanks to a hangover, I was the douche wearing sunglasses inside the airport today.
Me: I never lie.
Also me: Yes, i’ve read and agree with the privacy policy.
Ever take a look at @thefunnytweeter? I’m honored that they have some of my tweets on a page.
[first time golfing]
caddy: which club would you like sir
me: do you have turkey
Him: What’s this? *slowly unwrapping my gift* A blanket?
Me: It’s a sweater that fits two people so we can always be toge-
Him: *running away*
Me: HEY WHERE ARE YOU GOING?!
I once attended a wedding on short notice. My wife signed the card for us, and because they were my friends she accidentally addressed it to the bride and their cat, because I had talked about their cat more than my friend
when i say i like when older men tell me what to do i am talking about yoda and his teachings