itself itself itself itself itself itself itself itself itself….
-history
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[creation]
GOD: You guys are bees
BEE: Are we important?
GOD: Mankind would collapse without you
BEE: Can we fly?
GOD: No, it’s physically impossible cause you’re all too fat lol
BEE: …
GOD: Ok fine I’ll figure it out
Him: I got that dog in me
Me: are you a good boi? who’s a good boi?
ME: [plucking chicken] Who lets their eyebrows get this bad?
I have milk and eggs for breakfast, I just have them in the form of a cookie
Just had to persuade my child to eat something delicious because children.
[job interview]
“So what are your goals for working here?”
To be home by 5
I laughed and my gum shot out of my mouth, but I caught it with my hand and my lightning reflexes, so….be a cooler idiot
my dog: shlop, shlop
me: don’t drink too fast you’ll get sick
my dog: SHLOPSHLOPSHLOPSHLOP
If I ever correct your spelling you should just consider it a gift. Mostly a gift for me, but a little bit for you too
[Teaching pet elephant to wash the car]
ok Stompy fill your nose with water and spray it
*elephant crushes car*
why did I name you Stompy
my cat is so stupid this food doesn’t taste like grilled steak at all
My favorite part about the teenage mutant ninja turtles is that they felt the need to wear masks so people would not recognize them at their regular jobs
Me *trying to buy yet another gardening device*
Home Depot employee: I’m sorry, you exceeded your rake limit
Trying to convince my wife I said “adieu,” instead of “I do,” at our wedding, but she’s not buying it.
The Shining is my favorite movie about what can happen when you spend too much time with family.
Seize the day! Kidnap the evening! Murder the night! Assault the afternoon!
I was just discussing this with my cat
Was listening to Linkin Park and a student said “I didn’t know you liked oldies!”
Before getting in my face, please be aware that I completed two tours in Vietnam. One was on a Segway in downtown Hanoi, the other took us through a delightful little bakery in Ho Chi Minh.
🤬فقط في مصر 🤬
Lionel Richie: You are the sun, you are the rain
The Sun: What’s his deal?
The Rain: Weird
The Ceiling: You guys don’t even know
Whatcha eating over there? It sounds crunchy.
Hannibal Lecter: Doritoes
Ways to look busy:
1. Turn up later than everyone else but rush into the office looking annoyed
2. Act like spending half an hour in the toilet has annoyed you
3. Rush around with an open laptop looking annoyed
4. Get annoyed at a printer
5. Just generally look annoyed
[Commercial for the Pogo Stick]
Have you ever seen the inside of an E.R.? Want to?
Me: Stop over-analysing; not everything has to mean something!
Them: Are you gonna help us compile this dictionary or not?
[date doesn’t cry at the beginning of Up]
“I think we should see other people.”
Anyone who has ever said “I’m just going to let these dishes soak” has no intention of doing those dishes
Nobody invites me to spa day…
Just because I ate the cucumbers off everyone’s eyes and used their face cream as dip ONE time.
[buying a USB cord at Best Buy]
that’ll be $29.99
[buying a USB cord off Amazon]
here, take 5 cords for $4.99 and I’ll throw in a free horse