itself itself itself itself itself itself itself itself itself….
-history
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kanye is pretty mean for someone with yay in their name.
If you ever come across a bear in the wild, throw a tiny bicycle at him.
Then, just let his circus instincts take care of the rest.
If I woke up today from a ten year coma and the first thing I saw was an ad for the new downton abbey movie I’d be like oh ok thank god. Looks like I was only out for a few months
If I wasn’t meant to have a bowl of Halloween candy for dinner, I should’ve had more trick or treaters.
People will come in and out of your life. Make sure they’ve gotten the flu vaccine.
-inspirational tweet
The cool thing about fall is that you completely forget your windows are open when you start losing your shit.
Like, “Hey everyone. Please enjoy the sweet sound of dysfunction radiating from our humble abode.”
At a seminar. Cannot wait to drop someone during a trust fall.
I can’t believe the atomic bomb was dropped from a plane. How the hell did that get through airport security
Regardless of how strange your life can be, at least you’re not the h in chameleon.
Airport beers are great because it means you are traveling and also that you hate your own money
[avengers trailer drops]
ME: ok wow everyone needs to relax a bit geez
[john wick trailer drops]
ME: EVERYONE SHUT UP KEANU AND HIS DOG ARE IN DANGER
Back to the gym after a lengthy hiatus and noticed they made everything heavier, weird
A butterfly just landed on the tip of my cigarette & exploded.
What in the hell do they put in butterflys?
Can’t. Have to go tighten all the jar lids so I feel useful tomorrow when my chef sister comes cook
genie: what is your first wish
me: i wish i could change anyone’s voice
genie: [kermit the frog voice] why
god (creating me): here’s the ability to be funny sometimes
me: omg thank you! so i guess i’ll be pretty happy then
god: LOL wow, you are funny
No one is more drunk with power than a toddler who has learned to use a cup with no lid or straw
i told 8 it was time for bed last night and he pulled out a bag from my favorite donut shop with a donut in it that he got earlier in the day so he could bribe me into letting him stay up. it worked.
“There are enough donuts here to last a lifetime!” thought Jerome, his nose twitching with excitement. Three hours later, he found himself sprawled on his back in a shallow puddle of milk at the bottom of the bowl, staring at the ceiling, feeling overwhelmed by shame and regret.
exciting texts to get from your friends
• “can I tell you something petty”
• “you are not gonna believe who I just saw”
• “this is going to sound ridiculous but”
• “ok so”
• just your name in all caps and then the typing bubble up for a long time
I’m not sure who looks more frightened & confused when someone knocks on my door, the dog or me?
i got pulled over & my vape was in my cup holder & the cop was like “u know the news saying those things are killing people”
i laughed a lil bit & said “they say the same thing about yall lol”
he ain’t laugh
If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”
You’re over 40. You HAVE glasses but WHERE are they?
If someone overtakes me when I’m walking, I match their speed so it looks like I’ve got friends.
ME: Diligently sanitizing countertops, faucets, door knobs, light switches, remote controls, phones, hands,
ALSO ME: Eating a piece of a Kit Kat I dropped on the floor because wasting chocolate? In these times?
Why does every dog run the moment you ask “what’s in your mouth”
Studies say that if you sleep on the right side of a bed, it means you don’t sleep on its left side.
NEMESIS: i hate you
ME: i hate me too. and the enemy of my enemy is my friend
NEMESIS: so can you stay the night?
ME: i’ll ask my mom
Dear Snapchat, I don’t care what I look like as a strawberry, just give me a filter that makes me look like I showered.