“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”~History
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*A burlap bag is pulled off your head, a bright spotlight is causing you to blink*
WHERE DOES THE ARCHIVED MICROSOFT OUTLOOK EMAIL GO.
Dance like nobody’s watching except God, the NSA, and Santa Claus.
toddler *hands me a bag of chips*
me *opens it* *gives it back to him* *resumes showering*
Seriously contemplating remarrying my ex wife, but I’m pretty sure she’ll figure out that I’m just after my money.
3-year-old: Can the baby come out to play?
Pregnant wife: No, honey. She’s not ready yet.
3-year-old:
Wife:
3-year-old: Babies are lazy.
I’m gonna create chaos in my neighborhood by putting giant bows on all the cars the night before Christmas.
*school is cancelled indefinitely*
My kids: Mom, why are you crying?
[first day in gang]
LEADER: ya gotta be street-smart
ME: oh i am
LEADER: prove it
ME: *names every street in city*
LEADER: holy shit
Good thing most planes have TVs. Nothings worse than having to look out the window at Earths sacred majesty from the point of view of angels
Him: “I’ve seen people cry at weddings, but not the rehearsal dinner.”
Me: “I usually don’t cry…but these potatoes are just so awesome!”
The twins brought in significantly less candy than I purchased. Running Halloween at a deficit is simply not acceptable.
Cashier: Big weekend plans?
Me: *putting pile of microwaveable meals for one on counter* You know it.
I’m going to buy velcro strips for my sneakers.
I mean, why knot?
#SneakersDay #RubbishJokes
If you know, you know 😂🚔
passport control: you don’t look anything like your picture
incredible hulk: THE FLIGHT WAS DELAYED
What’s that Batman movie quote? “You either die a hero, or live long enough to hit the gas instead of the brake and drive your Buick through the front doors of the pharmacy”?
I’m not a narcissist.
But If I was, I would be the best one there ever was.
I won’t take any criticism on this
“I believe I can fry” – R Kelly filling out McDonald’s application
ME: They call me Mr Universe
DATE: You workout?
ME: I’m constantly expanding
Autocorrect changed “morning” too “mignon” and now, I want some steak.
Yet the one time I did, I got banned
It was obvious from the camera angle it was AMC killing it’s viewers. #TWDfinale
Weekend #HayaoMiyazaki
The 50k lady’s grandfather left her money that he could’ve spent on himself, and she handed it to scammers. Folks, NEVER provide for your family
I WOULD LIKE TO SPEAK TO THE EARTH’S MANAGER
The leather seats in your car waiting for you to wear shorts on a hot day
Me: Ugh…where am I?
Voice: Never mind that. I’ve missed you.
M: WHO’S THERE??
*steps into the light to reveal the DuoLingo owl*
DuoLingo Owl: “Who” indeed…You missed your last French lesson.
M: HEEEELP
D: IT LEARNS TO SAY “JE T’AIME BIEN” OR ELSE IT GETS THE HOSE AGAIN
If sex was my religion, I’d be an athiest.
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion texts: Please answer baby. Let me make this right.