General: Why is the whole battalion yellow and slimy?
Me: I mustard the troops.
General: …
Me: Just as you told me to, sir.
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Marriage: an institution where having to slightly adjust your mirrors every time you get in your car puts you in a homicidal rage.
“Trump is a good businessman” He has a failed steak biz, a failed vodka biz & failed casinos. HOW DO YOU SCREW UP STEAK, VODKA & GAMBLING
You know people ask “how are you still single” to singles? It’d be funny if we started saying “how are you still married” to married people
Staring at my daughters dolls and wondering which one will kill me in my sleep.
Cop1: Has becoming a father affected your work
Cop2: Not a bit
Cop1: Ok cover me, I’m going in
Cop2: HI GOING IN I’M DAD
[both get shot]
Accidentally said “No kidding,” instead of “No problem” after someone thanked me for helping them today, if anyone knows of a nice bridge I can leap from.
Emails from your boss assigning you work do not qualify as cyber bullying.
I checked.
Please boss, tell us again how important it is the company gets to $3 billion in revenue. I bought an 18 pack of beer with dimes last night.
Your kid says “don’t worry I take care of it” but you don’t know what “it” is.
The world is full of people who just need to hug a cactus.
how many times did you see your kids tonight after you put them to bed and why is it 87 times?
Son: What’s for dinner
Me: Tater tots
Son: What else?
Me: Since your mom put an open bag in the freezer backwards so I couldn’t tell it was open and you didn’t sweep the floor like you were told. I’d say dog fur
The truck in front of me is hauling a fridge. Freezer just flew open and a chicken nugget hit my windshield.
Day. Made.
Brilliant!
Oh, you work out? Have you tried opening a pomegranate?
Cutting Crew: I just died in your arms tonight. Must’ve been something you said…
Me: *closing book of spells* Oh shit! Oh shit! Oh shit!
Let’s play a game. You go hide. And I’ll go take a nap.
FRIEND: Women like guys that are mysterious.
{Later}
DATE: So, tell me about yourself.
ME: No.
*catwoman struggles into suit*
*catwoman realises she needs to pee*
*crie*
I don’t want to alarm anyone but there’s only 365 shopping days left until Christmas
Smoking doesn’t make you look cool kids. Murder does.
bringing a sharpie to IKEA and adding more dots to the names of their products
Crossover ideas
– 50 Shades of Grey’s Anatomy
– Tiger King and I
– Orange is the New Black Mirror
– Captain Marvellous Mrs Maisel
– Breaking Bad Boys
Enforcer: Kids don’t get kneecaps until age 6.
Baby loan shark: Well crap. How am I supposed to get my money out of the little snots?
Just sayin’ witchdoctors are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between witches and doctors.
Me: *hits snooze on alarm
Life: *sets off smoke detector
I have two years left on my looks. Four if I work out.
So 2 years.
4 out of 5 fire departments recommend I get takeout.
but if rugs were made out of bread then all the food you drop would just become a sandwich over time
Any restaurant can be family style if the waiter criticizes your order