@PaperWash: I'v been catfishing my best friend Dave for the last 3 weeks. He's gunna pay me that $50 he owes me or I'm showing these emails to his wife.
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@LuvPug: I don't think anyone here is a serial killer because you have to be really self motivated and it's like we all just eat snacks and take naps
@LlamaInaTux: Me: *Making a wish as I throw a quarter into the fountain* Coworker: He's ruining the fondue again!
@capnmcfword: People with nuclear weapons are now effectively calling each other poopy pants. I'm gonna stop coming to work now.
@sofarrsogud: My wife carved 'I'M FINE' into a pumpkin especially for me So she's obviously cool with me watching football all day and breathing an stuff