I’v been catfishing my best friend Dave for the last 3 weeks. He’s gunna pay me that $50 he owes me or I’m showing these emails to his wife.
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[i go to the aquarium wearing my cowboy boots and hat] “can we get extra security at the seahorse exhibit? yeah, he’s here again.”
If you’re a vegan and an atheist and a runner, how do you choose which way to annoy people in a conversation first?
puting flowers in my hair to accentuate my dirt like quality
Priest: look son, I think you should kick the habit
Me: ok
*nun screams*
Body by cheese-puffs.
Kid: “You know in Minecraft when..”
“No.”
Going to keep letting animals bite me until I get super powers.
Could I save more lives with telekinesis or with a family of friendly dinosaurs?
[candle store]
WIFE: Do you have vanilla?
“No”
WIFE: Apple?
“Nope”
WIFE: Lavender?
“Sorry”
ME: Let’s go, this guy lacks common scents
My microwave broke. So, we’re finding innovative alternatives. Did y’all know the surface on top of the oven heats up, too? Honest to God.
Danke for calling Germany.
To order beer, press 1.
To order weapons, press 2.
To order philosophy, press 1 until it resembles a 2.
“We’re gonna need more chalk.”
– detective who discovers my body
this is a marine life reminder SHARK tails go side to side WHALE tails go up and down and WHALE SHARK tails go all diagonal like.
I’ve never tried cracking a safe but I did open the fridge door once without waking my dog.
MUGGER: Give me your money
ME: Stay back, I have mice
MUGGER: lol I think you mean mace
*I’ve already thrown a mouse at him*
this makes me so uncomfortable
[stranded on a desert island]
*finds a message in a bottle*
hey honey, where do we keep the teabags?
Not everyone realizes this, but if you clean the pile of receipts out of a purse and stack them together, it makes a teeny tiny book about why you’re broke.
GF: So we just wanted to say we’re engaged!
HER DAD [looks at me] you should have asked me first
ME: You’re not really my type though
*puts wine in cart*
*crosses “wine” off the list my wife gave me*
*puts more wine in cart*
*crosses “more wine” off the list my wife gave me*
Me: So I punch them in the chest but then I’m supposed to feel bad about it and kiss them? Worst self defense class ever.
Instructor: ok yeah, so this is actually a CPR class.
Tomi Lahren is pretty confident for a person whose first and last names are both misspelled
Even autocorrect has no idea where I’m going with this.
Priest: what do you think is the biggest thing keeping you from heaven right now?
Me: death, probably
Establish dominance over your cat by suddenly bolting out of the room for no reason.
Next time you’re having a bad day just remember that alligators spend their whole lives looking like they’re trying to do a push-up.
“Dad, how’d you get that scar on your forehead?”
[flashback to roller skating into a street pole while taking a Polaroid selfie]
‘Nam…
Me *remembering my therapist said to be confident enough to answer questions* I’m under the table
Murderer: ok thanks
Someone punctured my boss’s tires and I’m definitely gonna tell him about it, but first let me put the nail gun back in the backpack.
*rookie cop notices splatter on the wall*
Looks like a hotdog defended itself here and lost.