I’ve accepted that I’ll never know how that M+ button on a calculator works.
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Kevin Hart 🤣🤣🤣
EARTH: hey there buddy why so sad?
ME: climate change is ravaging human existence with endless waves of disaster
EARTH: great just checking
Ruin someone’s day by asking to see their tattoo then saying “is it supposed to be crooked?”
There’s nothing more humiliating than taking your pet to bed with you, and they get down and leave the room.
Earth? yeah, I’d hit that -meteor
Yeah but how many of you can say you’ve managed to get your head stuck in the strings of a piano
“Bluetooth or Insane?” is a fun game we all play when we see a lone person speaking out loud in public.
No, it’s totally fine grandma. Nobody else needs to use the stairs today
Questions for people who eat Wheat Thins: Have you ever accidentally eaten part of the box? How can you be sure?
Truthful Tuesday: If a rapper raps about how much money he has then I download his music for free.
(God creating coyotes)
God: Make them look like dogs.
Angel: Exactly like dogs?
God: But with a meth problem.
Friend: Be adventurous in the bedroom, girls love that
[Later in bedroom]
Me: You like that? *Lays another bear trap* You like that babe?
🛁
wife: “no”
me: “its a good name”
wife: “keith we’re not calling the dog sarah jessica barker, keep thinking”
me:
wife:
me: “woofie goldberg”
[first date]
Him: *dips chip into salsa rather than scooping*
Me: *gets up and leaves*
(…comes back, grabs salsa bowl, leaves for real)
I can’t believe this Avengers movie will be the last one before the next one comes out.
Always hide you prescription bottles from your medicine cabinet so ppl don’t know how crazy you are. Also, you’re now out of xanax.
Dental office: Your husband had two teeth pulled this morning, so he’s going to need a ride home.
Me: Ok, how’s next week for you?
Inspiration twitter:
“You’re worth keeping. If others walk away from you for any reason, it’s because they’re losers and they should feel badly.”
Also inspiration twitter:
“Never feel badly about walking away from losers who drain you for any reason. It’s self care.”
me: i won employee of the month
her: ur self-employed
me:
her:
me: i also got demoted
Wish I was alive in the 70’s and got to look forward to releases by Zeppelin, Floyd and Sabbath, instead of being ear-raped by today’s shit.
the problem with being nice to people is you end up getting invited to their wedding.
You know you’ve outstayed your welcome when a British person asks “what time’s your train?”
I don’t like towels so after a shower I just sit in a tub of rice
NASA: How’s it looking up there, guys?
ASTRONAUT: I’ve never seen anything so beautiful.
FROG: [lost in his spacesuit] I’m struggling tbh.
you could tell me any fact about how dangerous animals are in australia and I’d believe you. they got vampire bees? of course they do. dogs don’t need a permit to carry a gun? I won’t even google it.
ME [proudly]: I threw a penny in and made a wish
CORONER [reopening the chest cavity]: ugh we talked about this
[50 YEARS FROM NOW]
Homemade hand sanitizer, just like Mama used to make.
I don’t mean to brag but HR told me no one had ever eaten everyone’s lunch before as a reason to fit their own food in the fridge.
I forgot the word “marathon” so I called it binge running.