I’ve accidentally set up push notifications for the BBC science magazine and it’s like being followed about by an inquisitive but annoying child
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Boyfriend: you want to go see the new Star Wars?
Me: I LOVE STAR WARS
BF: which was your fav
Me: duh, Sorcerer’s Stone
me (checkin out at grocery store with 2 rotisserie chickens): hold up *i grab my phone although it didn’t ring* sure i’ll get 1 more chicken
Someone called me a “complete piece of crap” today and I smiled and thanked them. If I am going to be a piece of crap, I would rather be a complete piece than an incomplete piece. I mean, I’m a go-getter. An all or nothing type of gal.
I ruined my diet to finish the last 5 donuts in the office because my coworkers are on a diet too so yeah, I sacrifice for the people I love
[beehive]
DRONE BEE: I feel like she’s just using me
20,000 OTHER DRONE BEES: [nodding] I hear ya, bro
QUEEN: Back to work, handsome
DRONE BEES: [blush]
Worm: These early birds are decimating our population.
Other worm: I’ve developed some tech that’ll impede their early rising abilities.
Worm: What is it?
Other worm: I call it “a YouTube rabbit hole”
When bears are around, try to look skinny and they won’t eat you.
If that doesn’t work, kick your buddy in the nuts and RUN!
[amazon dropping off my order]
Me: yes! my new recliner arrived!
Cat: yes! my new scratch pad arrived!
Me:
Cat: Tomato Tomahto
I start undressing you with my eyes. About halfway through, your zipper gets caught on my cornea and I start screaming in agony.
Just saw a fully functional phone booth with an intact yellow pages; so, yeah, I know a thing or two about time travel.
In truth, spiders are harmless*
*Save for a few species whose venom reprograms your immune system to tell your body to eat its own organs.
Obviously the Asian gentleman I saw flush the urinal with a karate kick doesn’t mind perpetuating stereotypes.
3: I’m going to say hi to that boy on the bike
Boy rides by & she waves shyly after he passes
3: He didn’t hear me
Me: Flirting’s hard
I may not be a victoria secret model but I do like to wear a somewhat of a matching pyjamma set in case a robber breaks in and decides to critique me on my sleeping attire.
The hardest part of having multiple kids is explaining why only your first child has a baby book.
Dentist: Do you grind your teeth?
Me: Yes, I have a child.
My mother was, let’s just say, not perfect. She’d routinely leave my little sister and I in the van for hours while she gambled. And even though we were patched-in to the casino security cameras and feeding her info through an earpiece, she still managed to blow hand after hand.
I am yelling
How do you stop babies crying when you drop them? And don’t say ‘garbage disposal’ because that’s jammed now.
[restaurant]
Me: I’m gonna run into their kitchen and grab some extra cheese
Her: … you definitely don’t have permission
Me: It’s actually pronounced parmesan
I get out of awkward conversations by pulling a balloon out, making a dog and just say I need to take it for a walk.
windmills are bad bc they blow god further away from the planet, making it harder for him to hear our prayers
Everyone is a surgeon when you wash your hands and have to walk across the room for the towel.
I’m always confused at fancy restaurants. Which spoon do you throw at the screaming toddler?
Ain’t no panic like when you think you’ve misplaced your driving cheese.
Some vampires adopt common dog names so that people will accidentally call them inside.
axl rose is morphing more and more into elon musk and i am uncomfortable
“if I am joking you would be laughing, do you look like you are laughing? “
Just shattered the neighbour’s window trying to separate two frozen burger patties with a butter knife.
Me: …so anyway, the doctor said I might be lactose intolerant
Mom: *hysterical crying*
Dad: you’re a disgrace to the State of Wisconsin. Don’t come home for Thanksgiving. *slams down phone*