I’ve already accomplished* so much today
*been afraid of a goose
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Scientists say that dinosaurs and humans didn’t coexist but the makers of The Flintstones clearly dispute this so I’m not sure.
Lifeguard: SHARK! GET OUT OF THE WATER
Me: [Remembers 150 people are killed by falling coconuts every year & only 5 from shark attacks] ..No
Apps are like “wanna skip this ad? Click this tiny x, sausage fingers lol”
I don’t know how many capes and tutus are the maximum one person should own; I just know my daughter doesn’t want to discuss it.
I think my downstairs neighbors are beginning to suspect I’m living in their attic.
Them: if you had the power to end one problem in the world today, what would it be?
Me: this conversation.
This egg could use more egg
– guy about to invent hollandaise sauce
Now that Fox News is 18 can we send it to Iraq?
Hot single dads in your area AREN’T WORKING 60 HOURS A WEEK FOR YOU TO AIR CONDITION THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD SHUT THE GODDAMN DOOR.
Me: *watches six consecutive hours of SVU*
Also me (brushing teeth for two minutes twice a day): Thith ith bullthit.
I call my ex “Appendix” because he didn’t seem to have a specific purpose and removing it didn’t change a thing in my life.
Killer: come out come out wherever you are
Me: *hiding*
Killer: omg what a cute puppy!
Me: *jumps out* i wanna see the pup…oh man
I wrote a screenplay
-No you didn’t
About our Savior
-Just stop
Opening Judea’s best ice cream shop
-Shut up
It’s Jesus Christ, Scooper Star
ACME gave a credit card to Wile E. Coyote with no credit history, just so he could capture a bird. This is why banks need to be regulated.
Watching the new Aladdin with my kids and niece and nephew.
15 year old niece: I totally had no idea Will Smith could sing before this movie.
Me: Yeah, he’s been gettin’ jiggy wit it for decades!
15: Uhhh…what?
Me: Never mind.
Am I…am I about to fight these bagels?
I’m so relieved when I see a vehicle pulled over by a cop, I always say, “THANK YOU FOR YOUR SACRIFICE.” as I speed past them.
My 9: what language does toast speak?
French toast.
there was actually a 13th apostle, but not a lot of people know about him, because he was looking for a fork he’d dropped under the table right as leonardo painted that picture
I call bullshit on vampires that look all sexy and shit when they can’t even see their reflection
*Flicks cigarette after a long drag* Here’s the thing, kids. Wolves don’t have lips so they can’t blow at all. That wolf was framed.
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: I just wanted to see you.[4:07 am]
if adults evolved from babies, why are there still babies?
Dr: He has a lot of blockage
“So my Dad has a bad heart?”
Dr: He also donates to charity
“So he has a good heart?”
Dr: Ya, it evens out
The Internet makes things so convenient. Before it existed, if you wanted to order a DVD online, you had to invent the Internet.
With less than 1 day to go..
Mummy, I want everything that is art in the whole world for Christmas. Ok?
Ocean’s 8 makes me feel seen as a woman but also as someone who has tried to organize anything with more than 3 people
some stupid little amoeba decided to leave the ocean a billion years ago and now i have to worry that tomorrow is monday
So 10’s school is having PJ day tomorrow and asked the parents who drop off to wear theirs too..
Should I tell them I sleep in the nude or just show up?
If your conspiracy theory doesn’t involve cats, don’t bother me.