I’ve already accomplished* so much today
*been afraid of a goose
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COP: any drugs in the car
ME: no
COP: lol nerd
Thanks for telling me I’m really funny ‘for a girl.’ You’re really stupid for a human.
Sometimes I pretend I’m picking up lunch for the office even tho the KFC workers can clearly see me eating that bucket in their parking lot.
dont think ive ever laughed as hard over a halloween costume
Take it from me
Yellow crayons are no substitute for cheese
the nerve of a majority of people i meet being younger than me. how dare them
Why is it so hard to find a woman who loves me for me and not the person I lied and manipulated her into thinking I am?
Waiter: How is everything?
Me: This is a salad
Waiter: Yes
Me: I ordered spaghetti
Waiter: Yeah. We are really worried about you, dude
Lying dead in a closed coffin at my funeral, and yet somehow I still manage to spill mustard on my shirt.
Corn mazes are great because how often does one get to experience the feeling of being trapped by corn
WELL WELL WELL if it isn’t the matching sock to the sock I threw out yesterday.
[David Attenborough voice]
And here we see JC in her natural habitat. Watch as she circles the donut case, bystanders completely unaware of her imminent attack.
Lost my first follower today. Funeral is Tuesday. Will be live tweeting. It’s what he would have wanted.
What’s with these people who take a sip of their coffee as soon as they get it? Who are these iron-mouthed warriors?
God gives everyone a hot cousin to test us.
[inventing jazz]
a
me: what if music w
s
l i
k e
t
h
i s
Married With Children is a hilarious sitcom until you’re 35 and realise it’s a chilling documentary.
He is ready
#meowed #TheMeowedClub
(Me, on my way in an Uber to a sexy party)
Uber Driver: Going to a party?
Me: Yes actually
Uber Driver: A family party?
Me: God I hope not
This is why you should never put a bald person on the front page of a newspaper
Gonna start feeding my dog condoms, so when she poops they’re already in tiny little bags!
For most people when you lose your “khakis” you’ve lost your pants.
When you’re from Boston & lose your “khakis” you can’t start your car.
“I don’t care!”, he tweeted, again.
hey babe come look at the cat. he looks the same as he always does and hes just sitting there. babe come look. hey come look at the cat
Marie Kondo Vs. Hoarders
“Do these 370 cats bring you joy?”
“Yes. Get out!”
I couldn’t be a hero in The Matrix cause agent Smith would be like “humans are a virus” and I’d be like that’s a fair point
Went to the dentist today. My teeth are fine. I just wanted to hear some of my songs.
Instagram: My life is a party.
Snapchat: My life is a quirky tv show
Facebook: My life turned out great!
Twitter: We’re all going to die.
waiter: any water for the table
me: [to date] does he not know trees die when you cut them down or