I’ve already had 3 people ask if I have enough wine to last me through the hurricane. Beginning to think I may have a reputation.
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I’d rather lose the Super Bowl than have Gatorade poured on me.
“Britney Spears” implies the existence of a “Britney Swords”, who probably has less attack speed and range but more well-rounded damage output potential
You guys, I figured it out. This whole COVID 19 strain is autocorrect’s fault. Somebody asked for a protein bar but got a protein bat instead. Easy mistake to make.
If I stalked you any harder, you’d be a missing person.
Anime is real
Neighbor was pissed because Scrappy was barking this morning, I told him well you can’t get upset it’s what dogs do, especially after finding human bones in the yard.
Parents, we noticed you successfully avoiding the candy and toy aisles, so we brought the candy and toys to your checkout lanes.
-stores
I just said “haha omg I love your ugly sweater!” to my CW knowing full well it’s just one of her normal sweaters.
An ambulance just went down my road. Within seconds I went running outside to see where it stopped. I have become my parents.
Texted Mom a question & she didn’t answer right away. I’m going to send 4 more texts & 3 voicemails to give her a taste of her own medicine.
Doc- it appears that you take everything way to seriously. You need to get your shit togeth… Oh no, what are you doing! No! Stop!
ME AS SATAN: *holding a pitchspork*
My 4yo niece: “You’re fat”
Me: “Santa died”
I bet kangaroos get drunk and find some ridiculous shit in their pouches in the morning.
I’m biased: I have four buttocks.
When they said “History repeats itself,” I wasn’t expecting all of the twentieth century in two years.
I’ve been standing here for 30 minutes and it hasn’t even moved.
Nobody talks about Dumbo anymore…
He’s irrelephant
I disabled the reminder beep on my microwave months ago, because what kind of idiot forgets food. Tonight I found my would’ve been breakfast burrito in the microwave. So…yeah.
Mama Bear: The porridge is ready
Papa Bear: Perfect let’s leave for a couple of hours
Me (to a baby): Hush little baby don’t say a word. Momma’s gonna buy you a mocking bird
Mom: like hell I’ll buy that kid anything..
Her: She’s too young for you.
Me: Based on what?
Her: Based on the number of times the Earth has orbited the sun since she was born..
Me:
Fingers crossed that Cupid hits me in the carotid artery.
surgeon: this man has a broken leg
horse surgeon intern: oh no
surgeon: which we can easily fix
horse surgeon intern: wait which we can what?
The guy in the car behind me is really taking a no man left behind approach to picking his nose
April 1st is the class clown of days.
News:”a black bear hovered over a convenience store in central Florida for more than seven hours…”
They have hover bears?
jealous again
My pessimism has never failed me, but I’m sure someday it will.
millipede mobster [raising guns]: SAY HELLO TO MY LITTLE FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND
[commercial for pants]
*naked guy attempts to put phone in pocket, falls on floor, cracks screen*
There has to be a better way!