I’ve always admired a man in a uniform who is soft, sweet and tender. I guess my perfect match is the Stay Puft Marshmellow man.
You Might Also Like
*walks into Best Buy*
*points to CDs* “May I have 4 sound bagels please”
im a cat and i FREaking love turning potential energy into kinetic *pushes glass off table* your going to feed and keep me for some reason
Just watched a woman outside of the UPS store yell at another woman, “GO TO HELL, MARGARET!” Margaret looked absolutely scandalized. As if this was the first time someone told Margaret to go to hell. As if.
cat: so how u been
me: well, kinda been depressed about work and traffic was-
cat: [presses paw to my lips] lol shut up I don’t care feed me
Remember, you can become haunted by a ghost whenever you want. You’re an adult.
Kill me once, shame on you. That’s pretty much it.
I’m like Beyonce if Beyonce could not sing or dance.
Me: *looks at tupperware cabinet*
Tupperware cabinet: CRASH! BANG! CLANK!
My kleptomania has always been a challenge, but stealing from this bakery really takes the cake.
I sent youse two to whack that freakin’ guy and instead youse screwed it up like a couple of
911: Could you hide in the closet?
Me: yes oh God no, there’s no room!
911: Under the bed?
Me: I can’t fit!!
Son: Coming ready or not
Me: shit
911: shit
please don’t celebrate april fools’ day if you’re not a fool ❤️ my culture is not your costume
Think I’m just going to tackle the next man who holds the door open for me and put a ring on him. Like we’re married now buddy, congrats
*Job Position: Astrologer*
Interviewer: Tell me about myself
I want the confidence of my 3yo while taking a giant drink of straight lime juice after I’ve been yelling at her for 2 mins that she will not like it.
Me: Who ate all the cookies?
5-year-old: Ninjas.
Me: I didn’t see them.
5-year-old: No one ever does.
Checkmate.
*Mary Poppins voice*
Ok, children! Time to go!
[15 min later]
*Batman voice*
I said let’s go.
I took two days of first aid and now I’m really wondering why it takes doctors 4+ years to learn all this!
The average person swallows 30-50 feral hogs in their sleep every year.
Hi, I’m Megan. You may know me from such public encounters with kids as “No, YOUR face is stupid” and “I didn’t trip you, you fell”.
bought some granny panties— turns out they’re not even made of little old ladies
HR: you list 911 as your emergency contact
me: i hear they’re the best
Imagine going to the gym and there’s someone on the treadmill on all fours galloping
Buried bones of a famous crime family might be located at an Olive Garden. “When you’re here, you’re family.”
My wife and I have been happily married for two years. 1997 & 2004
Lionel Ritchie being British :
🎵 Hello!
Is it tea you’re looking for? 🎵
I have a new alter ego named Princess of Optimism. You may call me Poo.
JAMES BOND (to bartender): Martini shaken not stirred
ME (acting cool): bud light shaken not stirred *opens it & it just sprays everywhere*
WE ARE CURRENTLY EXPERIENCING HIGH CALL VOLUMES. WE RECOMMEND HOLDING THE PHONE AWAY FROM YOUR EAR.
Sorry I yelled “GET A ROOM!” at your grandson’s wrestling tournament.