@iamspacegirl: Grandpa *pulls coin from my ear* Me: Pft. Some trick. Grandpa *shoves coin into my ear, twists my nose, peanuts begin pouring from my face*

@vineyille: How’d you come up with the idea? Inventor of pac man: I took a bunch of pills one night and ate a ghost. I thought “now here’s something”

@Mothpete: Health tip: There's never a 'safe' time to shake a teenage boy's hand. Never.

@Sir_Strange: "Oh my god, you've gotten so fat! Want me to make you something to eat?" - my mother

@B1gBrainsMcGee: Apparently everyone was too high in the 70's when Grease came out to notice that every "student" at Rydell High looked like they were 35