I’ve always been a staunch egalitarian, although occasionally I will eat other birds of prey.
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I’ve got these gifted children and I want to know how long it is before I can re-gift them.
Every time I talk to a fancy journalist and they ask what I do in my free time my scumbag brain goes “say masturbate, it’ll be hilarious”
*scoops litter everyday for 17 yrs*
Kids: We want a kitten!
Me: How about unlimited candy, an Xbox and a PS5 instead?
[Hot Wheels cars zooming through entire house] “I SWEAR TO GOD KAREN IF YOU DISCONNECT ANY PART OF THIS TRACK I’M DIVORCING YOU”
No, I don’t need a bag; I’m gonna juggle this 12 pack, this bag of ice and this whole roasted chicken on my unicycle while whistling Dixie.
turning my gender off to conserve energy
ME: I just feel like sometimes you take me for granted.
MY CAT: I literally have no idea who you are.
That security feature that hides passwords with asterisks does me no good because my password for everything is eight asterisks.
The longer you’re married, the more foreplay it takes to get her excited. I’m up to a week and a half now 🤨
Not to brag but I’ll inherit 17 bottles of Old Spice when my dad dies.
GUY SPIDER: (after sex) omg I can’t wait to see my son
GIRL SPIDER: *putting on bib* yeah, about that..
What do we want?
FLEXIBLE WORK SCHEDULES THAT ACCOMMODATE FAMILY LIFE!
When do we want it?
[Unintelligible yelling of different dates]
CBS Fall Line-Up:
Big Bang Theory
Young Sheldon
Old Sheldon
Ghost Sheldon
CSI Sheldon
Last Sheldon Standing
America’s Got Sheldons
People who say losing weight is “just math” clearly have no idea how far out of my way I go to avoid math.
I think between the two of them, Kim & Kanye had enough money for a box of condoms.
I broke into your house and slept under your bed all night to protect you from the perverts out there.
me: I feel your pain
french baker: ma’am, pls stop touching the bread
Ever meet one of these people that makes everything a competition? I’ve met more.
“Bear with me”
-A Russian bear trainer
honestly if it were raining men I would not hallelujah
My dog is dreaming. Based on the noises and twitches coming from him… he’s fighting off a Korean Chef.
The automatic toilet flusher is taking away your rights!
we’re gonna need another temp
Like shark attacks on humans, it’s actually extremely rare. The majority of antique, porcelain headed dolls aren’t interested in murdering people.
I cannot walk on water, But I can wobble on whisky.
Black rotten roses & run over kittens
Teeth falling out & a test is unwritten
Naked in public becoming a meme
Theseareafewofmyterribledreams
2016: omg, Idiocracy was a documentary
2022: omg, Idiocracy was an understatement
Journalists stuck in 1970’s Belfast absolutely hating it
[In meeting]
Boss: any comments?
Me: I wish I was drunk right now.
amazon trucks should play a lil song so we know they’re coming