I’ve always been a staunch egalitarian, although occasionally I will eat other birds of prey.
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School is much tougher for kids these days. Now when they don’t get their homework done they have to come up with an excuse like, “The dog ate my laptop”.
I can walk up to any dog, rub its butt and make a friend. That trick only works about half the time on people.
Fair warning: If you’re one of those parents who allow their kids to run around in a restaurant, I’m gonna teach them cuss words.
Inception (2010) – Five men and one woman plot to nap on a plane.
i’m kinda confused by all the hbo max tweets. i thought we agreed to be poor together
I’m a go with the flow kind of gal unless the flow is after 9pm or involves people I don’t know or parallel parking.
Me: Coke please
Waiter: Is heroin okay?
I told my boyfriend to show me pictures of my outfits that I ordered and I for sure was not expecting this…
Why does George Zimmerman keep popping up every 6 months or so? Is he the McRib?
“No retreat, no surrender!” -senior citizen who doesn’t know how to put their scooter in reverse and just plows over everything.
Me: *pushes chips forward* I’m all in.
Dealer: Sir, for the last time those are Doritos.
The neighbor kid talks a lot of shit for someone who isn’t allowed to leave the yard.
No matter how much milk I buy or when, there is always 1/8 cup left in the carton when I want some.
Spanish people feed their horses hay, but the naughty ones get George.
What did one elevator say to another?
Am gonna level with you
A zendetta is when you launch a blood feud against a killer who murdered your entire family, but remain pretty chill about the whole thing.
I don’t usually sing Adele, but when I do, it’s usually on the toilet in the middle stall in the men’s washroom at work.
My doctor says I’m a hypochondriac. Is that any way to speak to a woman who’s probably dying?
If you want to receive a text message every 3 minutes for an hour, send your husband to the grocery store.
It’s amazing how kids can’t think of a thing to do all day long but you put them to bed at 11 pm & they’re busy working on a cure for cancer
me: do you sell ducks?
him: yes, but they’re going quick
me: ok I’ll take one
[later]
duck: quick
me: I see
Stephen King: what if there was an *evil* clown
Mary Shelley: what if a corpse came to life
Edgar Allan Poe: oh no a bird!!!
Weird…my son has been having nightmares about a clown hiding in his closet ever since I dressed like a clown and hid in his closet.
iPhone 8 is like your ex coming back after a year saying they changed, you give them another a chance and realize they’re basically the same
Imagine my surprise when I found out that don’t is not the abbreviation for donut
if real babies started to emerge from cabbage patches I don’t believe we’d be so eager to adopt them
cause that’s creepy AF
We just got new neighbors and if they play their cards right I won’t know anything about them just like what’s-his-name that lived there before them.
And I spent so many nights
Growing hairier with mould
And now I’m old,
Past the date I should be sold
If you get the Wordle in 5 while a toddler is screaming at you it counts as getting the Wordle in 1.
My favorite genre of meme is people unknowingly kidnapping coyotes