I’ve always had a soft spot in my heart for female T-Rex because the tampon insertion must’ve been really difficult.
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My kid just told me he needs to take 120 of something to school tomorrow, so his choices are cheerios or my tears
My Dad said he wanted tools for Father’s Day, so I brought my ex and my boyfriend.
Being a mom in your 40s is putting a timer in your phone to remind yourself to be the tooth fairy.
Cop: I saw you fly through that intersection
Me: the light was green
Flight attendant: that’s not why he’s mad
ive modified my phone to deliver electric shocks each time one of you unfollows me. The pain will make me kinder, humbler, and more powerful
Can’t tell if they’re hitting on me here?
Here at Sporadic & Sons, we pride ourselves on consistency
Me: Sleeps three hours.
Brain: That’ll do.
I love when British people call it a “rubbish bin,” like my kitchen trash got a monocle
It’s amazing how many errands I’m willing to run when family is in town. No, no you relax. I’ll go.
[furiously scribbles HE’S LYING on a piece of paper and pushes it across the table]
My Girlfriend: The waiter isn’t lying about the specials
SHOUTS OUT TO UTERUSES, THE ORIGINAL 3-D PRINTERS
The struggle when hungry me has to eat the lunch that healthy me packed
Retweet to save a life.
#NationalGirlfriendDay
I’ll host Thanksgiving if I can wear a bejeweled pantsuit and throw a wine glass at a painting while saying, “Goddammit, Daniel, nobody cares about your novel.”
Forget sex. Try to explain economy to a child
Where do I see myself in five years? *kicks feet up on desk* Sir, does my resumé list “psychics abilities” under skills? No. Next question.
Joe, keep that beat nice and loose. Sam, take that bass for a walk. Ray I slept with your mom AND A ONE AND A TWO AND A
During love scenes in a Wes Anderson movie, the sound effects guy rubs a baguette against corduroy.
I’m helping my daughter write valentines to her class and children’s names these days are completely out of hand.
i wish jigglypuff was real imagine how well rested you could be all the time
A near death experience but it’s just me waiting for my 7yo to pick out a souvenir
This rocks
Netflix and explain what’s happening and who that guy is?
If we put headlamps on the squirrels that live in our trees, we don’t even need a strobe light for our backyard dance party. Just something to consider.
employee: how does it look?
vampire in a changing room: I can’t see myself wearing this
Half way through the movie, I brought some popcorn downstairs for the kids & realized I rented the wrong Black Stallion DVD.
me, disguised as a lamb: *into earpiece* target is headed to school
spy hq: none suspect you, right?
me: roger
spy hq: keep her in sight
[later]
teacher: mary, does your lamb follow you everywhere you go?
me: i’ve been made
spy hq: abort mission! ABORT!! ABORT!!!
Before posting each tweet, I ask myself: Does it bring me joy? Will it bring joy to others? I never wait for the answer.
This guy was looking over my shoulder while I was texting so I texted “I hope this guy next to me doesn’t catch what I have.”