Ive always hated math because, in my head, all the word problems sounded like this:
The spaghetti envelopes are triangular. Find X.
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dryer: permanent press
me: ah yes. of course i know what that means.
Becoming a parent changes your whole life.
One change I was not expecting was that whenever I sit down, I release a hormone only my child can detect that causes him to ask me for something.
I wondered why my back was so sore until I saw my son jumping rope on a crack in the sidewalk.
“Oh hey, Bill, you’re home early.”
Anytime I’m using a stall in a public restroom and someone knocks on the door, I always say, “Did you bring the lube?” As loud as possible.
Alex Jones said that lesbians are torturing women and eating their brains.
Ummmmm…Alex? That’s not
What
We
Eat.
I will punch you in the face.
OK not really – but I will roll my eyes at you, hard.
White people don’t dance at concerts so they can save all their energy for the “Woo!” at the end of a song.
Me: don’t you love it when you find $20 in a jacket pocket?
Guy [wearing a jacket that used to have $20 in it]: *distant yelling* hey get back here
Bad news.
Jim Morrison is dead.
I’m pretty sure I made one of those “If we’re both still single” pacts with someone. I just wish I’d written down his name.
[interview]
“What’s your strongest trait?”My fingers.
“No, like… Are you pinching me??”
GIVE ME [fighting to maintain pinch]
THE JOB
So many Jesus accounts…and not one is verified
(any scene in a movie in which more than one person appears)
DAD: You couldn’t do that now. Coronavirus.
Curiosity should start overthrowing the local government and drilling for oil any minute now.
My brother just found out he’s having another kid. He’s playing it pretty cool, but let’s see how his wife reacts when she finds out.
“The Sun is dying. We need help” the scientists are speechless. Cool Dad kicks in the door & removes his shades “It’s daylight savings time”
Shout out to the top 5 drops in the world, gum, rain, eaves, shop ’til you and you could hear a pin.
[Enters baby room late at night]
*flicks switch*
[baby’s got a raccoon in a headlock]
“What the-”
DAD CLOSE THE DOOR THIS PUNK OWES ME MONEY
If you’re having second thoughts, you’re 2 ahead of most people.
There is a 100% chance you’ve had this conversation with your mom:
[murder scene]
detective: “she drown?”
cop: “after a blow to the head”
d: “what’s he doing?”
me: [trying to draw chalk outline on river]
Husband: “They say humans are not meant to multitask.”
Me: *cooking dinner while holding toddler while signing permission slip with foot while shooting lasers from eyes at him* “You don’t say.”
Wow, pretty rude for people to exist that are younger & hotter than me but OK
KILLER: I’M GONNA CATCH YOU
ME: YOU’LL NEVER CA- [stops running to pet a dog]
I always date mathematicians. That way when they ask why I’m breaking up w/them I can say DO THE MATH JERRY. Oh yeah & I always date Jerries
[My date and I both speak at the same time]
Me: Haha sorry! You go firstDate: I was just gonna say I love this wine, and the food is delicious. What were you gonna say?
Me: Should male sheep be called heep?
When you’re married, every kiss begins with, “Have you brushed your teeth yet?”
Me: *looking in my closet* I have nothing to wear
Murderer: *cramped inside* agree to disagree
It’s finally mandatory for people to stay 6 feet away from me.