I’ve always heard that ignorance is bliss. My question: Exactly, how ignorant do I have to be before I find bliss?
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Wife: How’d you do?
Me: I won $500 playing blackjack!
Wife: Good. The air conditioner stopped working.
My house: I ALWAYS WIN
If you’re burglarizing a home and the owner walks in, defuse the situation by saying, “I seriously love your place”
Unless you’ve studied Nazism at a Nazi university and you’ve read Mein Kampf (in German), your criticism of Nazism isn’t valid
-Nobody ever
Friend: My in-laws have been married for 57 years today.
Me: Gross.
She died as she lived—shouting expletives at a box of cling wrap.
My daughter is writing a poem about our dog and she’s trying to find a word that rhymes with his name. Our dog’s name is Tucker. This will not end well.
I saw a guy with antlers on his car, so I shot it.
Confidence is important.
Because wishy-washy just will not get you a prescription for the good drugs.
Person: My name is Mora.”
Hawaiian wizard: “Aloha, Mora.”
*Door behind her unlocks*
“It’s fine with me if Mom says ok”
– the original two-step verification
Welcome to middle age. The hair on your head is fragile and falls out. The hair on your chin could reel in a shark.
“I’ll help you clean.” my toddler threatened
When you look up from your phone only to realize that the woman at the grocery store you’ve been following is not your wife.
*takes picture of son putting ornament on the tree*
Okay, now give that back to mommy and don’t touch another one, okay?
M: HEY, DID YOU REMEMBER CONDOMS?
H: FFS, use your inside voice
M: *whispers* did you remember condoms?
H: can this wait til after mass?
If you spend “up to $9000” on my funeral it better be on some kind of mechanism that makes me sit up in the casket when people walk by.
Went to the farmers market this morning but they didn’t have any farmers I liked
An online quiz guessed my age using some incredibly accurate super scientific data and it turns out I’m 25 years old. And obviously we don’t argue with science.
watching pre pandemic television during the pandemic
Am getting real tired of your crap…
“Ow that dog just nipped at me”
PEE ON IT!
“No man NO STOP THAT DOESN’T WORK FOR EVERYTHING”
I’M HERE FOR YA BUDDY!
If Satan isn’t real then why am I in a group text with my family
Me: Make sure Jnr. gets straight A’s…[slides envelope]
Teacher: Is this what I think it is?
Me:[nods] You can use it to send letters & stuff
Jurassic Park came out 30 years ago, and now I feel like the fossil.
I do the crane stance like in the Karate Kid movie each time I have to flush the toilet in a public restroom.
girlfriend: at my house we call pop soda
me: ok
her dad: *opens door* hello
me: hello sir, or should I say *finger guns* soda
Teacher: “What is your favorite musical instrument?”
Me: “The lunch bell.”
My kids still haven’t started school yet and I can’t wait to get them out of my house I mean get their education started.