I could never do time in prison – The handshakes are way too complicated.
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i transcended “cat lady” 10 cats ago, i’m now “cat mother goddess” in some select circles. so worship meow!
It’s actually the voices outside my head that irritate me the most.
Me: hands up, this is a robbery?
7-11 cashier:
Therapist: what did we talk about
Me: (firmly) this is a robbery.
honestly if they just added caffeine straight to hazelnut creamer, it would save me a lot of time
Canadians say “sorry” so much that a law was passed in 2009 declaring that an apology can’t be used as evidence of admission to guilt
It’s raining.
I’m going to be late for work.
I can’t fit my hair in the car.
No autocorrect, I don’t want to bang a bunch of hot chimps.
Just because your kid says, “You’re my hero” does not mean you can pick them up at school wearing a cape, apparently
Nothing’s stopping you from doing a book signing. You don’t have to have written a book, there are plenty of them just lying around
Never mistake my silence for weakness. No one plans a murder out loud.
I’m not “late”, I’m just very creative with my interpretation of “time”.
My husband just reminded me that we have fish sticks which is awesome because I was worried I didn’t have anything to pack my kids for lunch that they wouldn’t eat
I just shaved my armpits after such an extended hiatus that my razor acted as little more than a comb. Should have scythed first.
The best job ever? Sleeping Beauty at Disney World. You just lay down all day. If anyone bothers you, it’s like excuse me, I’m working here.
Horned lizards can squirt blood out of their eyes when threatened by predators, but my enemies have to be satisfied with my regular tears.
Urban Outfitters: the most expensive way to look poor.
ME: I always get so nervous on flights. Like I know it’s supposed to be safe, but I just don’t understand how something so heavy can stay in the air, you know?
CO-PILOT: The speaker’s still on, Captain.
the karate policy at this nursing home is bullshit
IDK if you really want to impress me with your car…… get a food truck
I love Instagram’s new direct messaging feature because I’ve always thought, “If only this picture of someone’s dinner was just for me.”
I feel like the Ghostbusters are too proud they “ain’t afraid a no ghosts.”
It’s your job.
My exterminator doesn’t keep telling me he’s not afraid of spiders.
[Lounging in hot tub]
Paul the Plum: “I’m starting to shrivel up like a…”
Pete the Prune: “Oh just say it, Paul. Like a what?!”
[College admissions office]
“Sorry sir you can’t transfer your street cred for college credits”
ME: that’s wack
Man about to invent sparkling water: Water is so good but I wish that it tasted terrible and made me feel sick.
– playing “Is it cake? –
Me, chewing plastic: “It’s pretty good, but I wish it was more moist.”
*I sit bolt upright in bed, drenched in sweat*
HER: Did you have the zombie nightmare again?
ME: (thinking about the time everybody sang ‘happy birthday’ to me and I accidentally joined in) Yes
We’re all McNuggets in search of the right dipping sauce.
I blink one eye at a time because flying squirrels can attack at any moment.
The Little Mermaid was a hoarder.
I used a maternity leave to grow out my bangs.
And that is why she will always be my favourite child.