I would like to see the USA go metric before I die just so I can enjoy the outrage that would follow.
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day 1: we’re in this together babe.
day 47: i can hear you breathing.
My family is missing that gene that tells you when trash cans are full.
If you are in a relationship and one of you has the better credit score. That is why they call it a significant other
(Sign-if-I-can’t )
“You don’t load the dishwasher right,” I said to my wife just before it permanently became my job.
[puts key in lock]
DO YOU AGREE TO NEW TERMS & CONDITIONS?
“sigh.”
*Accept
[door opens, rooms are smaller, furniture is moved]
Dog: “Moooo!”
My band is so indie we don’t even record together. You have to buy 4 separate cds and play them at the same time.
🤣😈🤣
me: excuse me sir, what kind of wine is this
sommelier: [pretentious af] it’s merlot
me: excuse me merlot, what kind of wine is this
Me: *typing on laptop*
My cat: *climbs on me, reaches & puts 2 paws on my face*
Me: Aww. So sweet.
My cat: *rips my glasses off with his paws, & flings them on the floor*
Me: Or not.
…and when you saw 3 sets of footprints in the sand, that’s when it took the entire Holy Trinity to carry you after all those piña coladas.
If you love someone, give them a possum in a box. Then you’ll know how they react in a panic and you might change your mind.
Absolutely no one
Me (3 days later thinking): hmm he never argued against the fact that I said I weigh more than him….
so i told my boyfriend i was having my period and he said “Again?”
you know what, you’re right im going to cancel that monthly subscription
Might start a YouTube channel “will it hurt if i drop it on my foot”
kid dressed as dog: “trick or treat”
me:
wife: “give him some chocolate then”
me: “i don’t want to kill him linda”
If Iron Man and the Man of Steel were to team up, they’d be powerful alloys.
Hell hath no fury like a cat reminded there’s food in their bowl.
[at the spelling bee]
moderator: your word is parole
me: can you use it in a sentence?
moderator: depends what you’re in for
Everybody talks about sweet dreams but I’m over here hoping yours are savory.
My favorite thing about decorative towels is how you’re not allowed to use them.
Because nothing says CLASS like useless towels.
Who Left The Bag Of Idiots Open?
my parents got an amazon echo for christmas & all they do is shout at it & get disappointed by all it can’t do. i’ve been replaced by alexa & it’s great.
astrology is fake.
my sign is two fish. and YET, i am just one human and bad at swimming
Me: Ooh… This is a Kodak moment!
Son: A what?
Me: I want to get a Polaroid.
Son: A what?
Me: You sound like a broken record!
Son: A WHAT?
Me- If I buy the little snack sized bags of chips, it forces me to use portion control.
Also me- Dumps 20 little bags into a giant bowl
I’m generally an honest person, but if you ask me when I last washed my hair, I will lie like a rug, a rug that hasn’t been shampooed in 6 days.
Me: No serial killer will ever lure me into their murder van. I’ m too smart for that.
Murderer:
ME REGULARLY: *uses the same 3 things at home*
ME PACKING FOR VACATION: I wonder if I’ll need 4 French horns or 5
I wish I was a better person
genie: kind of a low bar but ok
The TP factory remains safe, as the would-be theives were flushed out before they could wipe up the inventory.