i’ve always struggled spelling out “blood” with my fingers because it always comes out looking like “bbool”
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“I’m a social activist. No seriously. I just changed my profile picture to a rainbow.” -everyone on Facebook
If the interviewer doesn’t think it’s cool when you pull a quarter out of his ear, the job wasn’t good enough for you anyways.
Therapist: You have passive aggressive issues.
Me (under my breath): says the woman who only listens to my troubles because I pay her.
Trolling my FB friends by commenting “Looking good ;)” on solo pics of their husbands
How come when everyone else heats up sugar they get caramel and I get a higher fire insurance premium?
i absolutely refuse to drink any tap water till it’s gone though my brita filter that i haven’t changed in 5 years
I think Titanic is fake because, how do they record it when they are all dieing in the water?
Untitled Goose Game (2019)
[ first day in funeral home ]
me: *gently placing hand on widow’s lap* this is your husband’s it fell off
Dentist: Do you floss?
Me: sometimes at wedding receptions if I’m drunk enough
Customer: Hey I ordered a dozen bagels and you gave me thirteen.
Very Stubborn Baker: No that was on purpose.
look at me when i’m typing to you
Why isn’t there a roomba that cuts grass? Probably some stupid law about sending a blade wielding robot out into the neighborhood.
Drying the waistband of my jeans with a hairdryer as God intended.
If a really late person marries a really early person they’ll produce an on time child. In theory.
Me: *delivers fantastic presentation*
Fish Boss: great work!
Me: thanks for letting MINNOW what you think!
Fish Boss: you’re fired.
[little old lady struggling to pick up her bag of library books off the floor]
Me: [walking by]
“It’s easier if you lift with your legs.”
“People want to drink a panic attack.” — inventor of 5 Hour Energy
[meeting a girl at the bar]
ME (nervously cracking every knuckle): hi I’m brandon
GIRL: please let go of my hands
Why do people always make such a fuss over how much a newborn weighs? It’s a baby, not a stash of heroin.
I’m not a narcissist.
But If I was, I would be the best one there ever was.
I won’t take any criticism on this
Pizzas make terrible but delicious gym towels
My dog is doing Saturday right by staying in bed until 1pm and shooting me a disapproving look every time my chores wake him up.
Health food? Baby, my body is a ’93 Honda hatchback with a headlight out. I’m not about to start putting premium gas in it now.
Be the reason why your priest clutches their rosary when they look at you.
I often walk through a little park where people walk their dogs. Yesterday I saw somebody walking their tortoise. The funny thing is LA dogs are so small I’m pretty sure that reptile could win in a fight.
At my funeral I want the picture of me next to the coffin to have eyeholes cut out with someone behind it glaring at people coming in.
I was just outsmarted by a revolving door but sure, I’ll be your baby’s godmother.
coworker: did you hear someone used all the charity money to buy snacks from the vending machine
me: *laughing nervously* that’s awful
Reached the stage of parenting where I just found a garlic press in the shower and I didn’t even want to ask why.