i’ve always struggled spelling out “blood” with my fingers because it always comes out looking like “bbool”
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If the way I shelled this hard boiled egg is any indication of how the rest of the day will go, I should just climb back into bed.
Chameleon wife: “Does my bum look big in this dress?”
Chameleon husband: “What dress? Where are you?”
We have a Costco membership because you never know when you’ll need an eight pound bag of blue tortilla chips and a canoe.
Starting my own Mafia! Looking for:
1. About 5-6 oafish goons
2. A “supply guy”
3. Level 4 Mage
4. ????
5. Someone named Tony
What I go to Aldi to buy: Bread and milk.
What I actually buy in Aldi:
All the baby books tell you that infants need to eat every 2 to 3 hours, but what they fail to mention is that this behavior continues until the child turns 18 and moves out of your house.
I would like a formal apology each time I prove to my computer it wrongly accused me of being a robot.
“Your new girlfriend seems a bit, I don’t know…bookish?”
She has a name you know!
“What is it?”
…Paige.
Me: It’s hard to stay mad at a guy who shows up with pizza instead of a lame bunch of flowers.
Domino’s Delivery: Listen lady I’ve only been late one time.
Me, sick: *filling up my Vicks humidifier*
Him: Is that… Are you filling that with vodka?
Me: Who are you my doctor? VAPOR IS VAPOR
My friend just ordered a kale and quinoa salad and a side of eggplant fries and now I’m blinded by whiteness.
They grow up so quick
Had a nightmare I’d gone blond and woke up with yellow hair. Turns out if you dye in your dreams…
Boss: [to coworker] print out that document, and in the meantime-
Me: [from the other end of the office] DID SOMEONE SAY MEAN TIME?!
boss: oh God
Me: [stands up on Barbs desk] your kids are ugly as shit, Barb!
[first date]
HER: Aww, look at that poor old woman at the table in the corner, sitting all alone.
ME: That’s my mom. She wanted to check you out.
MOM: *shakes head, makes throat-cutting gesture*
ME: Don’t worry. That means she likes you.
I once had a tweet go bacterial.
Someone with OCD visited my TL whilst I was napping and now all my tweets
seem to be facing the same way.
Welcome to Lion Tamer School. Everyone grab a chair. Good… good. You’re all halfway to becoming Lion Tamers now.
Every piece of cake
Every cookie you take
Every bite of steak
I’ll be watching youDogs
You’re not USELESS…
I’m just saying that 300 years ago YOU would’ve been the one to test which mushrooms the village could & couldn’t eat
Fun fact: Girls who tweet about sports will not do that thing you like.
Just got invited to an “alcohol-free” wedding. The happy couple will be sad when they realize it’s going to be a “present-free” wedding too.
I just want to be attractive enough to be considered for a part in an STD medication commercial.
Asked hubs to pick up tampons. Love doin that shit. Also said I needed super, light, long, short, orange ones so he’ll have to ask someone.
Hey! This is your home!
It’s kinda messy… but you’ll get use to that!-my 6yo, welcoming his new baby sister 😂😂💀
Me: *Goes outside to take out the trash only wearing underwear.
(Because 6 ft high privacy fence, goddamnit).
Neighbour: *on ladder* “Hi!”We need to move
Laughed hysterically and said “Oh yes, please do” after the pizza shop guy asked if he could put the sauce in my box. I think I scared him.
He goes out for a run, and doesn’t even stop to sniff any crotches.
Humans are weird.~Dogs.
If Skyrim has taught me anything, it’s that you should always check people’s urns for gold. Don’t be afraid. Pull grandma off the mantle.
My grandma taught me it’s okay to use the really bad words only when someone messes with family, or when a bird shits on your head.