I’ve always sucked at math! How many people should there be in a relationship?
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i’m boycotting girl scout cookies until they’re honest enough to list the serving size as “sleeve”
*SEES SPIDER DRESSED AS A CLOWN IN THE SHOWER*
**LEAVES THE UNIVERSE**
Girl are you a University of Phoenix degree because I’m pursuing you online and from my couch
8 y/o: [rinsing butter off a knife] Whenever I do this I feel like I’m a blacksmith again.
I’m sorry what now?!
Friend: I’m poly.
Me, pulling out crackers: Well, you won’t believe what I have for you!
Two eggs, some bacon, and a piece of toast walk into a bar. The bartender says, hey! We don’t serve breakfast here. #Tellyourworstjoke
They just discovered an Egyptian tomb filled with chocolate and hazelnut. They believe it’s the tomb of Pharaoh Rocher.
Just dropped my kids off for the first day of school! Granted, it doesn’t start for 3 wks, but I left them w/ plenty of granola bars & H20.
Angel of Death: I have killed the firstborn of Egypt
God: Killed?! You were supposed to “thrill” them! You know, take them out for a night on the town
Angel of Death: But…but…
God: Hahaha, you should see your face. No I definitely wanted those kids dead
Nothing like spending 20 minutes of your day trying to recreate a fart sound your chair made to prove to your coworkers it wasn’t you.
my 4yo has started saying the phrase “calm down” and it works as well on me as it does on him
As my kid gets older he goes to bed later, which means he hangs out longer, which means *I* have to stay up later to get my alone time, which means by the time he’s 13, I’ll be going to bed at sunrise.
You know how people play video games by pushing all the buttons at once?
That’s how I’m handling adulthood.
Life with teenagers is basically them sniffing out snacks from a mile away yet missing the odour lingering in their bedroom
‘A 12 year old invented an app….No pressure though.’
(Me to my kids)
We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
[drunk, yelling at a can of baked beans] ALEXA PLAY BENNIE AND THE JETS
I could never give up my dog, he knows too much
after u do your laundry u should be allowed to get in the dryer and tumble for a little. no charge.
Stands at the gates of hell.
Waves to my mother in law.
Leaves.
just witnessed a drug deal
I asked my kid if his room was clean and that little shit cackled and asked Alexa if it was “Stupid Question Day”
12yo: imagine if cargo shorts existed as pants…
Me: they do, they’re called cargo pants
12yo: WHAT
I walk around my yard with a fake teardrop tattoo so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids.
The best part of being incompetent to cook and feed myself is that when I travel I am positive I didn’t leave the oven on.
The coolest thing about dating Mystique from the X-men is the unlimited free food samples she can get for you at Costco.
when you and your sibling have to pretend to like each other long enough for mom to take the picture
burglar tip: do NOT steal the clear freezer gemstones they’ll melt in ur pockets & make it look like u peed urself all ur friends will laugh
Since joining twitter I’ve started 2 new collections ………. Dust and cobwebs !