I’ve always taught my children that no matter what race or religion, all good looking people deserve respect.
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I hate getting cut off because I’ve “had enough.” Who are they to say how much butter I need on my movie theater popcorn?
My 4yo wants a younger sibling. I keep telling her no. 4 kids is enough. She keeps trying to convince me. Today she said, “you can make this one an outside baby.” Like, the baby only lives outside. She’s getting really good at this. I can maybe go for an outside baby, maybe.
Everybody at this Home Depot is getting hurricane supplies except this one woman is buying the 12 foot skeleton
Our daughter ran away from home
once when she was a teenager.We were frantic.
Within months, we called the police
to report her missing.
cleaned my whole house today and it turns out i’m disgusting.
when a commercial says “available wherever books are sold” it sounds like they don’t know where books are sold
Pringles
Until I became a parent I had never heard a human cry because they bumped their head on the roof of a blanket fort
Made my daughter dinner last night and she told me it was really good as long as she took tiny bites and used lots of ketchup
ME: [throws rock into ocean] Take THAT, ecosystem!
ECOSYSTEM: [undergoes incremental biological changes over millions of years]
ME: Oh shiii
[accidentally makes eye contact with someone] Oh my God, I am so sorry. Are you OK?
Apparently my aunt is doing some damage control after a crucial signage mistake
Guys, my husband has been watering A PLASTIC PLANT I put in his home office since March…
According to murder documentaries literally nobody expects “… evil to be lurking in the shadows of a sleepy, rural town.”
OMG I’M SO OLD AND OUT OF TOUCH WITH POP MUSIC WHAT SONG DOES BREXIT SING
[i go to put out my electronic cigarette on a framed photo of someone i used to love but it only taps the glass] damn this piss hell future.
‘You’ll go to hell for that joke’
*in Hell
Me: What did you do?
Hitler: Genocide, what did you do?
Me: Dunno tweeted a joke
[Running away from home]
Me: I didn’t even know houses could run this fast!
Praying Mantis wife: Are u cheating on me?
Praying Mantis husband [his missing head replaced by a marble]: What on earth gave u that idea?
Parenting is cheering on your kid’s winning softball team all weekend and then cheering on the Sunday rain for cancelling the rest of the games.
When do I get to find my nice Canadian girl to settle down with and have flannel babies?
i love corporate logic because a company will fire an entire newsroom full of award-winning journalists to spare the $500k salary of a guy in a corner office whose title is like Senior Vice President of Bad Decision-Making
I just tried to place an order for coffee but my husband hung up on me.
The speed walking event just looks like a group of people hurrying to get somewhere to take a shit.
First they came for the people who talk just for the sake of talking, and I said Please, take my coworker.
if i ever go missing please don’t use that photo of me holding a sign that says “if i ever go missing don’t look for me.” thanks
What I wanted to do was look cute making dirt angels for Earth Day. What I did was ruin an entire outfit.
[puts hand on wife’s stomach as baby kicks]
Come out here & try that.
If she boasts how adult coloring is therapeutic and has made her more tolerant and patient
Hide her markers
And wait…
If you haven’t woken up from a nap covered in stickers, did you even fall asleep while watching cartoons with your preschooler.