I’ve always wanted a monkey, so I bought one at auction today.
I’ve had him about an hour now.
Anyway….. Monkey for Sale.
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*stops abruptly at red light*
*instinctively reaches out arm to protect food in passenger seat*
If a swan broke my arm I’d keep it quiet. Embarrassing. “Help, I’m being beaten up by a big white lanky floating chicken.” Not cool.
*sits bolt upright in bed* the pikachu is stored in the pokeballs
People are asking if capes are welcome at #ScienceMarch – yes – but please think of the aerodynamics if it happens to be windy!
Always surround yourself with people who are successful, because people who are successful always have money to bail you out jail
I scream. You scream. We all scream. This fancy wine bars toilet gender signs were unclear.
Doctor: i’d like you to step on the scale.
Me: You first, pal.
I was the most patient parent and then I had kids.
Flight attendant: “will you perform exit row duties in the event of an emergency?”
Me: “yes”
In my head: “No we’re all gonna die”
Feeling lazier than the guy who named the anteater
“What’s this thing eat? Cool.”
I’m not transphobic, I used to play with toy locomotives all the time!
If I know one thing for sure it’s that nobody has ever looked back on their life and wished they’d eaten more celery.
I’m trying to be more fit these days, so now I walk inside the store to buy my donuts instead of using the drive-thru.
[stranded on deserted island]
*spells out message in rocks*
WHAT’S
THE
WIFI
PASSWORD
Kidney stones? Hard pass
[Vegan Conference]
Announcer: While we await our key speaker, please talk among yourselves
Vegan: I’m a vegan
Vegan2: I’m also a vegan
One day my neighbors will tell a news crew, “She was nice except she barked for an hour every night at midnight.”
“I hate karaoke.”
“It’s pronounced kah-rah-oh-keh.”
“Now, I hate you too.”
*extends arm for handshake*
Me: Hello, it’s nice to meet you
Friend: Sorry, but my dad is blind
Me: Oh…. HELLO, IT’S NICE TO MEET YOU
In movies a reckoning is always a trial by combat, whereas in my life a reckoning is far more likely to be an out of order men’s room, or a girl scout troop that I owe cookie money
Cop: how long will it take you to hack into the kidnapper’s computer?
Me: idk, two, three hours?
Cop: you have fifteen minutes
Me: then the kid’s gonna die dude
Cop:
Me: I mean you really should have called me sooner
I used to think the cat was dumb for staring out the window, waiting for birds, but I’d probably stare too, if occasionally a pizza flew by.
Grasping the ungraspable with Gorilla Glue. Now it’s mine. Forever. Oh.
[loud fighting downstairs]
Me: What’s this about?
10-year-old: Nothing.
Me: You have to be fighting over something.
10: We really don’t.
Another family? In this one I want to be the cross-dressing uncle, @funTweeters.
Cop: My informant told me where the killer is
Chief: Nice. Did he give you a name?
Cop: No chief *frowns* my parents did that
Some days I think I’m brilliant.
Other days I ask myself if there’s a “u” in forty.
Parents, if your child asks, “Why do you look so tired all the time?” Don’t sugarcoat things; let them know you didn’t start looking this way until after they were born.
*takes off Scooby-Doo head*
Rivorce?!
Just found a best-by date of Oct 1623 on some apple juice so we probably oughta not drink that