@P1ssed_K1d: I've always wanted to buy 2 coffees, take them to a crime scene & while handing 1 to the officer in charge ask, "So, what do we have here?"
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@david8hughes: [son's football game] Other dad: which one's yours? Me: I can't remember. I just wait for him in the car when the games over
@Mehrwane: Facebook: You have more friends on Facebook than you think. Me: You have higher expectations than you think.
@iwearaonesie: wife: You're going to work like that? me: Yeah, it's casual day [20 minutes later] *calls wife* me: Can you bring me a shirt?
@ParentNormal: Made a pact w/ my wife that if we’re 40 & kids haven’t stopped whining, we’ll meet at top of the Empire State Building so they can’t find us