@SamuelHLowe: I've always wanted to buy 2 coffees, take them to a crime scene & while handing 1 to the officer in charge ask, "So, what do we have here?"
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@GuttaLikeNoOtha: One problem with autocorrect is that you always end up posting some thong that you didn't Nintendo.
@david8hughes: Juror: we find the defendant guilty Me: objection your honour! U already asked me if I was guilty & I told u I wasn't Judge: he has a point
@envydatropic: What do you call a friend who turns a wine glass into a candle holder? An acquaintance
@internetluke: TAYLOR SWIFT: I knew you were trouble when you walked in ME (wearing ski mask and holding up gun): what gave it away?