@SamuelHLowe: I've always wanted to buy 2 coffees, take them to a crime scene & while handing 1 to the officer in charge ask, "So, what do we have here?"
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@DurtMcHurtt: [family feud] Steve Harvey: Top 5 answers on the board, name a place you would plant evidence... Me: *buzzes first* EVIDENCE GARDEN
@XplodingUnicorn: 5-year-old daughter: Why does Mom wear makeup? Me: To look pretty. 5: But she's already pretty. Me: Aww. 5: Dad, you should wear makeup.
@OmarImranTweets: "Y dnt u Muslims tell ISIS to stop" Ok hold up *pulls out iphone* "Yo ISIS habibi,its me plz stop" ISIS:"ok habibi sorry,shisha tonight?"
@bea_ker: Hey man, settle an argument for me? "Sure" [handing him a sword] Great, he's just in there