I’ve always wanted to buy 2 coffees, take them to a crime scene & while handing 1 to the officer in charge ask, “So, what do we have here?”
You Might Also Like
I was holding the door for an Asian guy and he said “sank you.” So I punched him. Cant believe that he brought up Pearl Harbor lke that
Me: I love eating nerds
Boy: (brings me Nerds candy)
Me: no, not that kind.
If you like someone set them free if they comeback it means nobody liked them set them free again.
We don’t talk enough about Nicholson’s competent axe technique in The Shining
man: you buried my grandmother in the wrong plot
me: I guess you could say I made a [turns to camera] grave mistake
who will die first, you or grey’s anatomy?
Husband: How painful is childbirth?
Me: Imagine going to Hobby Lobby with me.
H: Okay?
Me: Then Home Goods.
H: Alright.
Me: Then Bed, Bath & Beyond, then Kohl’s, then Michaels, then JC Penney’s, then –
H: *in fetal position*
6: *Watching kids yoga on YouTube*
Video: Ok, let’s do the Downward Facing Dog.
12: Ew! Uh…..um…..*keeps side eyeing me*
Me: *Making direct eye contact with 12* It’s a yoga pose. What did YOU think it was??
12: I…uh…..*runs away*
If they don’t teach the periodic table during it then they shouldn’t call it elementary school.
If you ever need me, call me any time, day or night, and I’ll return your call when I get around to it.
Nothing makes sex more awkward than realizing your kid is awake…
and standing outside your door…
and playing the harmonica.
frankly, people look at you different after you lick them.
#FunnyLife Insects
Reading in public is so embarrassing. How thirsty are you for knowledge, bro?
I just pulled over for a siren on the radio so I get it, dogs that bark at tv.
In case you’re considering having kids, I’ve been awake since sunrise trying to fulfill breakfast requests of: 1. Pancakes 2. Pizza 3. Green
Ever wonder why we call it a period and not that time of the paragraph?
I just shaved my legs and man, the next 7 minutes and 34 seconds before it starts growing back is gonna feel amazing.
I don’t understand why people want a sandwich after sex. I just want my money back.
Rather than crush the spider I started telling it about my fantasy football team and it peacefully left on its own.
I’m an ass man, myself. 100% ass. Made of ass & butts & that’s it. This thing that looks like a face? Ass. These fists? Little butts. Hi.
I’m calling Facebook “Mom” now because all it does is tell me who from my high school is engaged and remind me about my cousins’ birthdays.
me: dinosaurs can’t jump
her: how do u know
me: they’re dead Linda
I dated a guy in a band for two months before I realised he was just a sexy mop.
Me: (seeing 16 walk into house shivering in short sleeve shirt) When you left the house, you were wearing your new hoodie. Where is it?
16: She didn’t bring a jacket. She was cold. She’ll just give it back to me tomorrow. Why are you laughing?
‘THERE IS NO SHOUTING ON THE BUS!’ she shouted.
Alice: I’m late.
White Rabbit: Haha, that’s my line
Alice:
White Rabbit:
Alice: *stares*
White Rabbit: oh shit
“ew what is that?” is my child’s adorable way of asking what’s for dinner
I had no idea being an adult would involve so many lotions.
Wine doesn’t have many vitamins. That’s why you have to drink a lot of it.