I’ve always wanted to rewrite history but couldn’t decide on the font..
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I never over sleep in the mornings
I set an alarm, a back up alarm, and a 4yo once those fail
Thank God for that one person who gets on the elevator and takes charge.
the reason there are no time machines arriving from the future is that in the year 2040, the contract to make them goes to Boeing
me: [arriving in heaven] so did anybody cry at my funeral
god: oh actually your body is still in the ball pit
Newsreader: “And now Tom with the weather.”
Weatherman: “It’s Tim, actually.”
Newsreader: “Sorry. And now Tom with the tim.”
Immediately de-escalating an international conflict by posting an angry looking selfie with the caption “Come on, guys.”
he said he adored my imperfections.
and i was like WHAT IMPERFECTIONS????
*shuffles around on carpet in fuzzy socks for several minutes*
Okay, let’s go to your stalled car and give this a try.
The definition of confidence: when you go to the toilet with 3 devices in your pocket.
All I’m saying is Dorothy from The Wizard Of Oz has more confirmed kills than Willy Wonka.
The police sent me a photo radar ticket so I sent them a photo of a hundred dollars, so I guess we’re even.
Me: maybe we should let it live
Captain Ahab: *turning harpoon on me* what?
Me: uh I-I just don’t think this obsession is worthwhale
Ahab: …ha
Me: haha
Ahab: hahaha worthWHALE oh jeez
Me: haha whew *realizing I’m bleeding* when did you shoot
Ahab: oh like immediately
the eldest child I nanny (she’s 5) has a game where she sits us all in a circle and gives us each a coin with a sticker on one. anyways if we flip our coin and it lands sticker-side-up we have to touch the dead bee she keeps under her bed in a tupperware.
‘They always talk to me like I’m an idiot.’
~dogs in therapy
Establish dominance over your children by whining louder
Oh, you’re an American? Yeah, right.
Name 5 disastrous foreign policy decisions.
To take revenge, I’LL EAT CHINESE.
me: I have a problem.
her: whatever it is, its OUR problem.
me: ok then WE just killed the neighbor.
I like to walk up to strangers and ask, “Would you take a photo of me?” If they say yes I hand them a photo of me and walk away.
Worm: If you cut a glow worm’s tail off, he’ll be de-lighted haha
Me: I don’t get it
Early bird: I do
you visit my house and within moments i offer you strawberry shortcake. you decline but i put an entire cake on the table and begin cutting it. you are confused. it takes me 45 minutes to eat the entire thing alone and we do not speak
Spent $20 on face coverings for my kids but I’m saving thousands of dollars on braces.
Let the sword wielding plants fight the Boston Dynamics murder robots.
My dog sure barks a lot for someone who needs a pep talk during thunderstorms
I’m 46 years old, my dad told me that candy floss evaporates after a day and I’ve told my kids this. My dad ate my candy floss didn’t he?
GARY BUSEY: I WANNA WRITE A BOOK
HIS AGENT: gary that’s a bad idea—how’d you feel about a ghost writer?
GARY: SCARED AS HELL BUT I LIKE IT
i feel sorry for people who say things like less is more because they’ve obviously never had sex or french fries
4 year old: Why is this stuffed animal here? My bed’s only for unicorns
Me: It’s a triceratops. He’s like a triple unicorn. Totally cool
4 year old: He’s just a stupid dinosaur, put him away
Me: Unicorns are fake they’re bullshit
Don’t tell me what to do, you’re not a donut