I’ve always wanted to rewrite history but couldn’t decide on the font..
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I’m receiving intel from Irish Twitter ™️ that there are Americans saying they don’t put butter on sandwiches. What are you putting on regular ass ham sandwiches?! If I hear mayonnaise I’m notifying Homeland Security I swear to Christ.
why is it that if you say your favorite food is “spaghetti” you sound like a three year old, but if you say some shit like “vermicelli” i’m like “woah this guy probably goes to the opera”
Sorry I’m late, my toddler declared independence.
I like to do a task by worrying about it for three weeks and then finally dedicating 12 solid minutes to completing it.
Take a stand against childhood obesity by chasing little fat kids down the street.
Roses are red
Violets aren’t ferns
Since I’ve been with you
When I pee it burns.
[date shouting over music on the dance floor]:
WHY ARE YOU HOLDING TWO CORN DOGS?
Me: BECAUSE I NEVER KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH MY HANDS!
Cars come with warnings to check the back seat for babies now.
I always do and frankly, I’ll be lowkey terrified if I ever find one.
I like how we say “vegan” now instead of “eating disorder”.
In my next life, I’m coming back as a baby
I’m a puzzle wrapped in an enigma hidden inside a set of Russian Nesting Dolls, so deep, so profound that – what? Yes, I’ll have fries.
Me: this math stuff isn’t gonna help us in the real world
[20 years later]
Boss: ok lift on three
Me: oh shit
she’s all “don’t sleep in the nude- what if there’s a fire and the fire men come and see you naked”
uh you pretty much described my fantasy
Person: Why are you in a wheelchair?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I asked too many questions.
#ISeeNoPointIn trying to do bunny ears as a joke
wife: “remember when i said you were too friendly all the time?”
me: [making cup of tea] “no im not”
burglar: “two sugars please”
[restaurant]
me: *pointing* I’ll have that platter for one please
server: but that’s the ‘All You Can Eat’ buffet table, sir
me: challenge accepted
This time last night, there was a spider so big in my bathroom it put me under a glass on a postcard and carried me out.
Your yearly reminder that if you’re mad at what happens to Emma Thompson in Love Actually you can watch Die Hard after and he gets what he deserves
Real life dad college courses
Garage law
Power nap philosophy
Nosy neighbor studies
Barbecue physics
Zipper theory of merging traffic
Thermostat dynamics
Caught an epiisode of “American Ninja Warrior” and I’m thinking if I put my mind to it and train really hard I could be in that studio audience.
Daughter: Anyone there?
Ouija Board: S P O T
Daughter: But Spot went to live at the farm
Ouija Board: N O
ME: *tips over whole table with ouija board* go clean your room
Nobody ever mentions one of the greatest joys of being a parent is mocking your kids in an annoying voice, repeating what they whined about
The indescribable pain of having a client read off the options they see under “Settings.”
me: got any weekend plans?
me: gonna get chubby
me: yah me too
Always a bridesmaid never a vengeful ghost in a glowing fog.
Only resort to violence if necessary like you get the wrong pizza toppings.
One of my dogs was puking, i got up to deal with it and the other dog stole part of my dinner. This was not random. This was a planned event.
giv a man a fish adn he’ll say “wat is this i ordered a mcflurry”
teach a man to fish adn he’ll say “how ar u the manager of this mcdonalds”
FROM THE FIRST BITE YOU CAN TELL CELERY DOESN’T WANT TO BE EATEN