@TheTweetOfGod: My advice for anyone who wants more followers is simple: Form them from dust and breathe into their nostrils. #workedforMe

@OnlyFastEddie: Halloween and Valentine's day are pretty much the same thing... people dress up and pretend to be someone they're not for some sugar

@UNTRESOR: Avoid unwanted pregnancies by using the "pull out" method where you pull out an acoustic guitar at a party & no one will have sex with you.

@ch000ch: u could put a horse in a time machine and send it to any era and the horse's life would literally be the same

@theroneman: [mom sneaks up & scares son; ruins coloring] Narrator: Does this happen to u? Then u need... [cut to mom jumping on 1 foot & yelling] Legos