I’ve always wanted to walk into a large room and be the most beautiful woman in there. But I’m scared of Walmarts đ
You Might Also Like
“Don’t you understand the basics of cuddling? You don’t struggle and I don’t hurt you.”
We can play Yahtzee again.
-You fixed the broken dice?
Yeah. And they’ll never break again.
-How do you know?
*grins*
Die mends are forever.
Pretending you’re dead to avoid conversation in the hospital is the worst way to learn how a defibrillator works.
18 years old: let’s eat pizza at 1am and feel amazing
40 years old: I ate a chicken sandwich at 9pm and had heartburn for two days
Doing the splits is easy — slip on the first snowy step when taking the dog out and let gravity (and panic) make you an Olympic gymnast!
When I get naked in front of a man for the first time I never do it slowly and seductively, that would just give him time to get away.
I stand out like a peanut in a turd.
Han Solo had a much cooler older brother called Drum
The ritual complete, the blood god stands before the cultist.
“I have summoned you forth to destroy my enemies”
BLOOD GOD: …
“what?”
BLOOD GOD: It just feels like every time you bring me out of the forbidden realm it’s cause you want something, and you never just want to see me
Today I learned my laser pointer can go all the way to the bar across the street.
Drunk people still think there’s a sniper somewhere.
A girl on the bus just batted her eyes at me, but I ducked and they flew out the window.
Congratulations parents! You made it through the Terrible Twos! Your child is now three!
Youâre gonna want to be sitting down for what Iâm about to tell youâŚ
*throws a dead pigeon at jerk who cut me off in traffic*
Wife: Hun, I don’t think “flipping the bird” means what you think it means.
Sometimes Iâll be staring at my phone for a few minutes and be like âwhat was it I was doingâ then Iâll be like âoh yeah Iâm driving a carâ
My wife ate a bowl of chili and a large coffee before our kidsâ soccer game today, so I gave her the car keys and said âI hope you make it in the timeâ
Me: *giggling* No, you hang up
Cop: Other prisoners need to make their calls
Dear All,
During quarantine itâs normal to talk to your plants, walls & ceiling. Please contact us only if they respond.
Yours truly,
Psychiatrist
my mom taught me to say ânot my circus, not my monkeysâ when some crazy shit someone was doing wasnât my business. but when my friends are doing crazy shit itâs tough. bc Iâm like thatâs not my circus⌠but thatâs MY monkey
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
[toddler saves Michael Cera from drowning]
[me, realizing I have a muffin top] oh no, I look delicious
The worst part about getting arrested by a motorcycle cop is having to hug him from behind all the way back to the precinct.
Doing stand up comedy feels like Iâm doing a book report on a book I didnât read.
Cows are looking at us hoarding toilet paper and thinking that we must all have Mad Human Disease.
Camping?
No thank you.If I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
I always assume people with red cars were drunk when they went to the dealership.
Cooking hack: Fake your own death. Someone else will cook.
Me: Do you want to get dressed up for Thanksgiving dinner?
Husband: Sure! What should we wear?
Me: Shoes?
Reasons why it’s bad that Justin Bieber is retiring:
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
Why is called the Vatican and not Holywood?