I’ve asked a few people now what IDGAF stands for and I can’t say anyone’s replies have been that helpful.
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Today as a Random Act of Kindness, I wore a really tight sweater to work.
What kind of a cult is this?
I feel as though most of my problems would not exist if I had just worked harder on that crane thing from Karate Kid
[Ouija Board]
“Oh great spirits tell me ur secrets”
You'll die soon
“OMG HOW”
Hold on I have another call
model UN: we follow parliamentary procedure, you can’t just call “dibs”
me:
model UN: also you can only be countries that exist
me: the nation of flavortown declares war on the UN
Relationship status:
I’ve put my ear hair in braids.
Get at me.
I just spent more time trying to get a stuck Junior Mint out of the box than I did studying for some exams in school.
welcome to Olive Garden! when you’re here, you’re family. sit up straight. have you gained weight? why can’t you be more like your sister
I don’t care if you’re here to murder me – we take our shoes off in this house.
Social media is one of the best things to ever happen to stupidity.
just baked a deliciously fragrant apple pie. gonna leave it to cool on my windowsill. should be fine
Imagine falling in love with somebody and finding out they’re uncomfortable making the sex in an abandoned mannequin factory.
(Man hobbles into grocery store using a cane)
5: HEY MOM THAT MAN IS USING A WALKING STICK BC HIS BONES AREN’T STRONG & HE’LL DIE SOON RIGHT
The Whole Foods next to this movie theater is perfect if you want to sneak in your own snacks, but don’t want to save a lot of money.
[simba and nala sit atop pride rock staring at a beautiful sunset]
simba: *pulls engagement ring from his hip pocket* circle of wife amirite!
nala:
simba:
nala: where’d you get a hip pocket?
Mom: What are you planning to make for Thanksgiving?
Me: A scene.
I just read that pandas don’t have many opportunities for sex, and then don’t know how to do it. Finally found my spirit animal.
Cashier: you’re 8 cents short
Me: it’s only 8 cents can you just let it slide
Cashier: no
Me: *slides cashier 20 dollars* what about now
[How the rap feud started]
Me: can u invite all the rappers to my b’day party?
2pac: sure, no biggie
Biggie[eavesdropping]: [wipes tears]
I’ve accepted that I’ll never know how that M+ button on a calculator works.
My Mom: I like that actor Tom Hiddleston. What was he in?
Me: Taylor Swift for a while.
Pronounces Gene Hackman like Pac-Man and you won’t convince me i’m wrong
He’s the one. I know it. Don’t you agree?
Jar of pickled onions: I think you’ve had enough to drink
The key to office success is to only have one of two things out on your desk at any time, things you’re working on or things that make you look busy.
I’m not helping to save the environment until bears let me ride them around like cars. It’s a group effort, bears.
Some people are looking for the meaning of life. I’m still looking for the meaning of I licky boom boom down.
People used to laugh when I said I wanted to be a standup comic. Well, no one’s laughing now. Wait.
Whenever I test drive a car and the Salesman decides to come along, I lock the doors lock eyes and say “We ride together, we Die together.”
I was shit at school. I turned up to the wrong lessons and sat the wrong exams. The rest as they say is geography.
PSA: If your kid bumps into me one more time with your shopping cart I will unhinge my jaw and swallow him whole.