I’ve asked a few people now what IDGAF stands for and I can’t say anyone’s replies have been that helpful.
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A gun is like a coupon that works anywhere
Beauty and the Beast
I’m into all kinds of spirits: the paranormal kind and the drinking kind.
Fun fact: a baby tortoise is called a tortellini.
I love baby boomers who say “kids don’t even know how to write cursive” in a negative way like ok grandma you can’t even turn your laptop on without getting 6 viruses and wiring half your retirement money to a Nigerian Prince
She:Hey,Whats up?
Me:Onion prices.
S:You know what I mean,like What’s crackin’?
M:Nutshells.
S:Really?Fine.What’s poppin?
M:Corn.
*Blocked*
The Dalai Lama prefers quiet restaurants in order to find dinner peace.
When anyone says they’ve embarrassed themselves enough for one day, I smile, nod and think ‘that kind of limit sounds nice’
In summer, I drive with hands at 11 and 1 so the air conditioner vents point directly at my armpits.
I don’t wear sunglasses because it’s unfair that a photon travels 93 million miles and then when it’s an inch from my eye I’m all “um, no.”
If you laugh at a kid’s joke that kid will tell the exact same joke at slightly louder volumes 8,000 times in a row.
[my funeral]
college professor(standing over my casket): I just want to remind you that attendance is a big part of your final grade.
Repair guy: your AC unit is 26 years old which makes it hard to stay cool
Me: well I’m 42 and I’m still cool
Repair guy:
Me: *winks*
Trapped on a train in the snow, and honestly, none of these people look appetizing.
Went to the zoo yesterday and got to hear my kid and their friends argue “I saw the animal first!” at each stop, in case you were thinking of doing that soon.
“With all due respect is the polite version of ‘listen here you little shit’”
Siri: Retweet me.
SPOILER ALERT ~ Fast & Furious 10 is about car chases.
becoming “fast friends” with someone is fun, but let’s not forget fast enemies. you ever meet someone and immediately you’re just like oh yeah this person is my enemy now
*aggressively skips to my Lou*
me: today I made asphalt, mixed paint and got zoning approval
date: that seems like a lot
me: parking garage actually
date: what
me: what
When a grammar Nazi gets sad give them a hug and say “There, their, they’re.”
What is this World Cup and can I drink from it?
I’m glad water isn’t explosive, because with the amount of half-empty bottles rolling around in this car any accident would be an extinction-level event.
if you’re having trouble finding the match to one of your socks, throw it away and the missing one will immediately show up
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“There Will Be Blood” is my favorite movie that answers the question, “Will blood be there?”
The universe contains protons,neutrons,electrons and morons.
My favorite Slipknot member is the one who wears the mask.
People would be more motivated to lose weight if the weight they lost went on to someone they didn’t like. 🤷🏻♀️ 🍩