I’ve banned my kid from his X Box today so he’s gone to a barn on the outskirts of town to dance out his frustrations.
You Might Also Like
does anyone in IT care to admit that when someone submits a help request you quietly fix the problem behind the scenes and then tell them to try something super obvious so they look like an idiot?
Reminder: Before taking your first bite into a fast food sandwich you need to redistribute the pickles.
[in prison]
me: so u guys come here often?
My knee hurts so bad today and I have tried everything under the sun to make it feel better— everything except vodka.
That ends five minutes ago.
It’s almost summer and I’m only three stomach flus and a couple tapeworms away from my beach body!!!
Filing dill pickle chips under “double vegetable”.
I just owned you for three seconds. Possibly five if you’re a slow reader. Up to ten if you read this again.
“Psst.. here’s what we should’ve said”
*my 3am brain waking me to replay an argument from 7 years ago
told my kids they were allowed to hit each other once per day so they should really think it through and not waste their one hit and now they’re calmly discussing when might be the best time to hit each other (but the actual hitting has stopped, I’m a genius)
Based on how comforting I find compression, my 50th birthday will be held in a trash compactor
CABLE COMPANY: Someone will be there between 6:30 am and 9:45 pm.
ME: That’s pretty vague.
CC: Oh, sorry. It’ll be a cable TV installer.
*Gwen Stefani as a girl selling $2 snacks in front of her house*
CUSTOMER: Do you have any $1 snacks?
GWEN: I ain’t no dollar snack girrrrrl!
Every time someone calls me an asshole, I stand up like I’m gonna do something about it. Then I just end up stretching while I wink at them.
I hate when things are inscrutable. just wanna scrute ‘em so BAD.
Me: i feel like we don’t communicate as well lately
Marriage Counselor: where’s your wife?
Me: shit I forgot to tell her about this
At a wedding during the vows, the little flower girl yells out “When is this over?”
She gets it..
If you call me “daddy” in bed I will immediately stop what we are doing and make you clean your room
Santa: *deep sigh*
Mrs Klaus: Naughty list?
S: *shakes head*
MK: Covid?
S: *shakes head*
MK: Another year of “Ho” jokes?
S: *nods vigorously*
Wow, wife was pissed when she found out I donated her sweater to Goodwill, but not as mad as she would have been if she’d found out I shrunk it in the dryer.
I wore a beanie hat in public and people kept trying to buy drugs from me. I made $1200 but now I’m out of breath mints.
I wish I had the confidence of someone publicly donning a cloak
How I begin all my work emails: I hope you’re doing okay during this very difficult time of being away from me.
Do people who eat sushi and sashimi know that fire was discovered?
My parents decided to test their marriage by going to IKEA today
Navy: (subtweets)
Army: (helicoptertweets)
angel: whatcha making?
god: *pressing lion into grill with spatula* tiger
[the first person to hear thunder] Well, that can’t be good.
when i was little, a friend’s mom snapped at me and asked if i was medicated. when i said no she was like, “well, you should be!” and if i saw that woman today, i’d look her right in her mean face and say, “damn, brenda, you straight up called that one.”
Your yearly reminder that if you’re mad at what happens to Emma Thompson in Love Actually you can watch Die Hard after and he gets what he deserves
I made a grown man cry today in court.
But yet I can’t get my kids to clean their damn rooms.