I’ve been a girl for 36 years, and I still don’t know how to correctly use bobby pins.
You Might Also Like
[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: Didn’t you do any financial planning?
ME: *lips pressed on mic* Yes, your Honor, I was planning on having finances
Son: Can we go to the beach?
Me: *dumps a bucket of sand down his shorts* There you go, bud.
When Corner House says something righteous and you just think
every cop drama will have a notice that says “any resemblance to actual events or individuals is purely coincidental” and then the serial killer will be named something like ned lundy
Date: I like a girl who knows about the human body *wink*
Me: *visibly excited* did you know that the right lung is divided into three lobes?
Date: no I meant
Me: but the left lung only has two!
Date: not like th— wait, really?
My boyfriend said we can’t hang out this weekend because he doesn’t exist.
Do we have a gender neutral pronoun yet?
I’m jealous that when an athlete gets injured it makes headlines. I need that kind of attention. “We at ESPN are reporting that Ron stubbed his toe on a table and when he went to look at it he hit his head on the table”
So psyched! My 1st granddaughter born today:
6lb11oz!
Which is not the name I’d have chosen, but I guess I need to keep up with the times.
Asking your child to go get their sibling for dinner is just asking them to stand next to you and scream their sibling’s name.
There is no way to differentiate between the screams you hear from mass murder, passengers on a plane going down and 5 Tweens seeing a bug
[sees that my girlfriend from 3rd grade is getting married] Wow- you didn’t waste any time, did you Becky
And now we wait
*Updates dating profile*
Must be within walking distance due to gas prices.
you know you’re related when you visit your cousin and find her crying because she dropped her cake pop.
I Photoshop paddington into a movie, game, TV show, or album until I forget: Day 726
I have a very dry sense of humor. So I drink moisturizer.
When I die, scatter me across my ex’s front lawn. Also, don’t cremate me.
It’s uncool to be religious. It’s uncool to be atheist. If someone asks what you believe in just say Beyoncé. It’s the only way to be safe.
“Holy shit I’m a cat?”
She: I like Cats
He:
Me: You know, talking to yourself doesn’t make you crazy.
Me: I know, right?
Me: It’s a sign of advanced intelligence.
Me: High-5.
Me: Word.
The old expression “dollars to donuts” accurately describes my method of currency exchange.
Ironing boards are just surf boards that stopped pursuing their dreams and got a real job instead.
Between my education and helping four children with their homework, I’ve studied approximately 27 years of Algebra.
when someone replies to a locked account it’s like watching Han talk to Chewie
One time an intruder broke into my house and got scared off by the old high school wrestling trophies I still have on display.
My wife: I just gave myself a pedicure in record time!
Me: Impressive feet!
Wife: “Did you know that some idiot paid $96,000 for Princess Leia’s gold bikini?”
Me: [nervously tightening my robe] “Who would do that?”
COP: I need to search your car.
ME: Sure, google whatever you want officer.