I’ve been a vegetarian for 13 years but if I ever got the chance I would absolutely 100% bite the head off the Geico gecko
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Eye Exam Lamaze Class
Emergency
🤝
Dilated Pupils
Him: I love nerd girls!
Me: If you have more than 2 freckles, then every freckle on your body makes a triangle. If you move around, every triangle changes shape. That’s how I picture multiple universes.
Him: no. not like that
Policeman: Name please
Iggy Pop: Iggy Pop
Policeman: Your FULL name
Iggy Pop: (Quietly) Ignatius Poppadom
It’ll never work, we have very different definitions of words like talented, celebrity, amazing and intelligent.
ME: I’m so nervous. It’s my first day on the job. I definitely fibbed on my qualifications to get this job. Hope I can figure it out before I mess up.
CO-PILOT: …What?
To know your enemy, you must become your enemy.
[first day in a hair band]
Singer: you’re bald
Me: yes, I lied on my resume
Never feel more attractive than when my picture of cornbread gets almost as many likes as my selfie. “She’s ok, but she’s no cornbread.”
Me: have a great eye for detail
Also me: couldn’t tell when they changed doctors on Dr. Who
I’ve never met a pizza I didn’t want to get personal with.
My wife threw my new football over the wall as she thought it belonged to our neighbour’s 9 year old lad.
I’ve had to ask them if I can please have my ball back.
I’m 36 years old.
*scrawls note on deserted isle*
TRAPPED ON ISLAND! HELP ME!
*sends off in bottle*
*it returns, months later, with reply*
NEW BOTTLE WHO DIS?
I could never be a serial killer. There’s far too much cleaning.
Add some young bull sharks to your rich neighbor’s natural swimming pool for a little excitement
I’m always confused when people accuse me of “just tweeting things for attention” because…obviously? This isn’t my personal diary. I want people to see it. 😂
I hate when I’m in a room with 3 other people, & I have to shove the entire kit kat in my mouth.
That awkward moment when you try something on in a shop but you don’t know if you can get it off again.
I think police forgot which organized group of white dudes with shaved heads they are.
I’d like to thank the people who buy the gift bags. Because of you, I have never had to buy a gift bag. Thank you, from the bottom of my large gift bag filled with smaller gift bags.
Avoid getting crumbs in your bed by eating in your kid’s bed.
Okay Canada. You’ve made your point.
Will you take winter back now?
Please?
No, I always make this wincing face when I talk to people saying awful shit. It’s not just you.
H: Want to go to Lowe’s with me?
M: Can I wear my tiara?
H: I’d rather you not
M: Then no thanks
[husband leaves]
M: *whispers* works every time
Idea for a romcom. Two people hook up on a night out. Wake up and have to self isolate for two weeks in one of their flats because of COVID-19. Working title: Just the two of (vir)us.
Elsa: 🎶 the cold never bothered me anyway
People of Arendelle: sorry to interrupt b-but some of us have literal hypothermia and-
Elsa: [shrug] well I’m not bothered
Sorry if you feel foolish, but that’s how sarcasm works… Einstein.
Coworker: can I tell you something but don’t tell anyone else?
Me: I already forgot the question.
*walks past German Shepherd and nods* Officer…
I love my son’s teacher, but I’m low key triggered by all these messages about what he can be learning during this. Look lady, he’s currently got his little brother in a choke hold, he doesn’t want to read a book right now
Just want everyone to know this morning I won the argument I was having with someone in my head while in the shower. Feeling good about today