I never feel quite so uncertain as when I’m walking the dog and a neighbor driving by waves to me but my free hand has a bag of poop in it.
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[fluffing Pillow]
Me: so what made you pick Pillow as a stage name?
*Being seated at a restaurant*
Hostess: Would you like a table or a booth?
Husband: Table
Me: I guess I’ll take the booth then
I hate fungi but then it grew on me.
A lady posted her grandmother’s brownie recipe, so I tried making them. Turns out her grandma was a terrible cook
I wont play GI Joes with my nephew until he learns to play it right. He’s 4 years old, he should know better than to drag Vader into this.
lol – getting pizza slice and the guy in front of me (trying to banter with the cashier) is like “you made mine with extra love right” and the cashier very solemnly and Eastern European accentedly said “it’s made with normal amount pepperoni”
Roadkill is just a goth zoo
“Remember where we parked.”
-Me, to my dog.
*Batman receives electric bill for Bat Signal*
“ALFRED WE’RE GETTING IPHONES.”
*hits joint*
ahhh yes this is more like it, now I have no idea what’s going on.
I had no idea we were still brushing our teeth.
MAYBE PEACH JUST LIKES BOWSER A LOT AND WE’RE FOLLOWING A NARRATIVE OF MARIO THE DELUSIONAL HOMEWRECKER.
*cops pull me from operating room*
Celery was created by big dentist just to sell more dental floss.
Doctor: “You have a hip injury.”
Me: “I am very trendy.”
Become a minion. Get that bread.
ME: [building a robot] We’re going to be best friends!
ROBOT: [flies out of window]
ME: Why did I add a propeller
Friend has been complaining about finding an avocado on his lawn every day for weeks now. Why would someone keep throwing avocados in his yard? Who would do that? You guys he just realized he has an avocado tree
Believe me, I looked.
But I couldn’t find a single Valentine’s card that said “You’re a nice guy, but I don’t want to go on a third date.”
Can you cross-breed tropical birds? I want to try, but I’ve got nothing toucan-parrot-too.
Me: “I keep looking for love in all the wrong places.”
*later at the abandoned mine*
Me: “Hello?! Would anybody like a date?!”
I say “Have a good one” instead of “Have a nice day” because I’m so mysterious. One what? You just don’t know!
freezing my eggs so i can chuck em at his house later
“I love Worcestershire sauce.”
“What’s so special about it?”
“It’s hard to say.”
Crazy but not like defend my opinion of a roast beef sandwich crazy
If he doesn’t like fruit puns, let that mango.
So Jamie and Cersei could have lived if they moved a little to the left?
*swirling Gatorade in a wine glass*
Ah yes, the sportings, I have perused that endeavor. The throwing, the goalings, I love it all.
Don’t you hate it when you’re on your way to join the circus and you accidentally get married and have 3 kids?
My top tip is, before you get into a staring competition with any large animal (such as a boa constrictor), do double check they have eyelids.
Ever feel like you have one foot in a canoe and the other on a banana peel?