This could be us… but you playing
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I’d walk over cotton balls for you
Have kids, so people who drink their own bath water can critique your cooking.
This old rich guy pointed to a jungle and said I had 20 minutes before he started hunting me. He seems pretty mad that I’m just standing here tweeting.
I will always post cat eating corn when I see it
The cashier wasn’t impressed with my top hat, sash, and monocle until I said “Keep the change” from the $1 I gave him for my $0.95 purchase.
Me: [stands under majestic tree watching leaves fall] This is beautiful
[2 hours later buried under a mountain of leaves] you piece of shit
OFFICE CHRISTMAS PARTY
BOSS: I don’t know you. Do you work here?
ME: *sips wine* No.
HIM: So your wife does?
ME: *sips his wine* Again no.
WIFE: He never pays any attention to me. All he cares about is that dog.
THERAPIST: is this true?
ME: [sewing swim trunks for the dog] is what true?
Man: I love curvy women
Curvy Woman: has tummy rolls, thighs touch, cellulite
Man: no, not like that
My sister got my 5 year old some glitter slime- that’s right, it’s got glitter AND it’s slime.
She has kids of her own, so it must be that I wronged her in some life-changing and tragic way.
So I’ll be over here trying to figure out what I did to her.
[neighbour sees me walking to horse barn with a shotgun] did it break its leg?
[me pretty sure the horse saw me practicing moonwalking] yeah
Guys will say literally anything to get laid like “you’re beautiful” or “you can have my last donut”, shit like that
Sun Tzu: to beat your enemy you must become your enemy
Me [overweight; hungover; eating breakfast ice cream]: way ahead of you
Astronaut: wtf is this
NASA: it’s space food
A: I specifically asked for only Milky Way bars
N: look we get it but-
A: no no I’m coming down
Asked a guy in the garden area of Home Depot if he had anything that won’t die.
He replied: My Mother-in-law!
We fist bumped.
Not to brag, but my kids just unloaded the entire dishwasher without me asking, or without them noticing that the dishwasher had not been run.
fish genie: wait, did i just grant you three wishes
me: *rich, handsome, and enjoying world peace* errm, no
Wife: I’m going out now
Me: Wait! Where are you going?
Wife: Yes.
*door slams*
homeless guy said “hey there pretty lady, show me that smile, where’s that smile?” and I said “it’s at my house”
A blue whale is so big, that if you laid it end to end on a basketball court, the game would be cancelled.
#BasketballDay #RubbishJokes
turns out Xenophobia is not ‘A fear of Warrior Princesses’
The two types of wives
Wooden toothpicks are great for when you have something stuck in your teeth but you also want something else stuck in your teeth
Not to brag, but it’s not even Halloween and I’ve already started my Christmas weight-gaining.
Wedding DJ took it down a notch and was like, “Y’all, throw your hand up if you found that special someone. Now put your hand up if you found an ancient tomb. Keep your hand up if it feels like the ancient tomb found you.”
Parents: when naming a boy, consider using a king’s name, like Mattress or Burger.
Home is where your toilet is.
People who go to the store and buy the single roll of toilet paper must not have an optimistic view of their life expectancy.
what i say: i love you, be back in two minutes
what my dog hears: goodbye forever
Lol.. The Parrot is sticking to the code and won’t talk… Lol… I’m done.