2.5 hours into self quarantine: *gains 10 lbs
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Girl I wanna be strangely inside you just like the ‘meow’ in homeowner
My job demands an awful lot of responsibility for someone who still hopes he wakes up with superpowers one day.
In your 20s you hope you don’t fall for the wrong person, in your 40s you hope you don’t fall in the driveway when nobody’s home.
When I die I want a memorial bench with a plaque that simply says ‘WET PAINT’ because I don’t want people sitting on my bench.
i eat one snickers a day to build up immunity in case someone tried to kill me with snickers
If a car depreciates as soon as you drive it off the lot then shouldn’t the price go down when you return from a test drive?
scares
now that a whole door ripped off an airplane and no one died they should let you roll down airplane windows so we can go back to smoking mid flight
if my friends ever feel sad and they need to talk to somebody… they always know im right there… only 2-3 missed calls away
I want to be in a heavy metal band just so I can scream terrible things at crowds of people and not be accused of having PMS.
My shetland pony was all black and we called him Midnight. His sister was not quite as dark and her name was Eleven Thirty.
“Dad why’d u name me this?”
I named u after the greatest athlete to ever live
“Oh ok”
Now let’s go, Air Bud, we’re gonna be late for church
waiter: any water for the table
me: [to date] does he not know trees die when you cut them down or
I was always told that women can’t have it all but I just ate two everything babies.
Wife: Nothing you could say could convince me that cockroaches aren’t the worst.
Me: Wall-E’s friend was a cockroach.
Wife: Except that.
[dad accidentally steps on the dog]
I’m sorry girl, I didn’t see you. Are you ok?[dad accidentally steps on me]
Why are you on the floor?!
Day 1 of healthy eating
So good to be eating healthily again. I feel fitter and better in myself already
Day 2 of healthy eating
I miss cheese so much I want to cry. I’ve forgotten the taste of chocolate. Vegetables taste of sadness and resentment. I’ve never known such misery
I wish more things required an email from the WGA before we accepted them as true. Like, “Sorry but, until we hear otherwise from the WGA, it’s still the weekend. We don’t even know for sure Mondays are real.”
I can never understand why people act surprised when horrible things happen. Where have you been since birth?
There are no mistakes, only learning opportunities.
***UPDATE***
Do not tell your kids they were learning opportunities.
Sometimes I’ll run into a friend’s husband and think to myself, “bro you have no idea how hard I’ve worked to help save your marriage.”
It helps to think of every business meeting as a game, where the object is to leave the room with fewer action items than anybody else.
How much more of this can I take?
* piles food on buffet plate *
I’m 48 years old and I pronounce pumpkin like PUN-KIN.
Bite me.
welcome to your parents’ house, where the wifi password is fEtbqP2LVp3U6Hkh
Shrimp: My mom’s coming to visit
Starfish wife: Again?! The 3rd time this year?
S:She’s lonely
Wife: Oh grow a spi…
S: Grow a what, Karen?
*watches Easy Hairstyle tutorial*
*burns neck with curling iron*
*stabs scalp with bobby pin*
*gets hairspray in eyes*
*wears hair in ponytail*
me: I have a phobia of very large numbers
therapist: I can help u
me: thanks a twelve
If you were a tree you’d be a bonsai, and if you were mine you’d be dead by now.
[grocery store robbery]
ROBBER: *sets gun on conveyor belt so cashier sees*
ME(next in line): *slowly places grocery separator behind gun*