@KenJennings: I've been at this elementary school talent show for half an hour and I've already heard "Shake It Off" 137 times.
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@timdonakowski: Me: Siri, did you know millions of people misquote you on Twitter every day? Siri: Tim, I want your polish sausage.
@FatherWithTwins: *co-worker approaching elevator* *I try to hit "close door" button* *I miss, hit "open door"* Co-worker: thanks for holding it Me: Of course
@koalaslament: put ur hair in a man-bun. now put ur beard in a man-bun too. congratulations ur now a hamburger. be free, hamburger man.
@REnlightenment: Unless you've studied Nazism at a Nazi university and you've read Mein Kampf (in German), your criticism of Nazism isn't valid -Nobody ever