@KenJennings: I've been at this elementary school talent show for half an hour and I've already heard "Shake It Off" 137 times.
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@lovemydogduck: Are designated drivers only for people who drink?? Coz I've already dropped my keys twice just walking to my car.
@Tups13: Sex? When I saw you lying naked on the bed surrounded by candles I assumed you were performing a satanic ritual. What, I'm a mindreader now?
@jferg1616: Boss: "We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die."
@hazelmotes1: Me: when I grow up I'm going to be an astronaut. 5 year old daughter: you're already grown up. You'll be dead soon.