I’ve been called a “female comic” so many times, I’ll probably only be able to answer to “girl daddy” when I have children.
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Nz lockdown 1: I’m gonna make bread and be creative every day!
Nz lockdown 2: time to watch all the twilight movies
Nz lockdown 3: time to make my sims family kill eachother and watch the twilight movies again
me: *cracks knuckles*
bully: let’s do this
me: i would but i’ve just broken my hand
“I will cook for you.” I threatened
Establish dominance at your in-laws by continuing to eat that piece of fruit even though you didn’t know it was plastic.
There were things in the big “I got scammed” piece that I think I’d have fallen for and things I think I wouldn’t have, but if an ostensible law enforcement officer tells me I cannot get a lawyer I am getting a Triple Deluxe Lawyer
I left my phone at home and had no idea what to do with my hands while I drove
Me, sets my alarm for 6.30 am.
My brain: I will start to sleep at exactly 6.30 am.
me: I’m not feeling well
doctor: take your glove off
i like to start most sentences with “as a writer…” because it’s important to me that everyone know i am, at my core, a liar
Alcohol is generally the answer. Especially when the question is ‘why can’t I remember what the question is?’
Last night my dad stopped by in my dreams. He hugged me so tight and I hugged him back and sobbed. It’s been three years since I hugged him. I miss him so much.
Props to the guy who numbered combo meals. Ordering a number four combo meal sounds a lot better than ordering a double quarter pounder meal
Guns don’t kill people. Cats don’t sew mittens. Houses don’t crap zebras. Lots of nouns don’t verb other nouns. This isn’t new information.
[Therapy]
Me: “What do you mean I might have ‘psychopathic tendencies’?”
Therapist: “Why don’t you turn off your chainsaw, so we can hear each other better?”
Whenever someone mentions rat poison part of me imagines a tiny rodent cover band playing 80s power ballads.
i would like to meet the marketing/branding team that goes to work every morning, satisfied that this is the logo that represents their business
I’m not saying I’m a mythical creature, I’m just saying that I am single on Twitter & also in real life.
Eating at restaurant with Mom after her doc appointment when phone rings
Me: *phone rings* Hello? Okay. I’m not at my laptop so I can’t answer you but don’t worry—I’m eating an ice cream sundae about it right now.
shark tooth fairy: *throwing fins up in the air* I quit
If I’m ever in need of a hair tie, the first place I look is my cat’s water bowl.
Doctor: Did you remember to bring a list of medications that you’re taking?
Me: (Snaps wrist to unroll a scroll that touches the floor.)
me: im just so tired of the monotony of my life, it’s exhausting doing and seeing the same things every day
target employee: you could probably just not come here as much?
Me: ew look at that guy sitting in his own shit.
Wife: just change your son’s diaper please.
“Theirye’re” problem solved
(doing standup routine)
Dating! Dating is tough man! I gotta explain the amulet that fuels my greed but also is the only thing keeping Beelzebub at bay?? After going on bumble it’s like screw it!
Beelzebub (cheering from the crowd): take the amulet off!
An autocorrect with a pulse is called a wife.
Things you never find once lost
1. Innocence
2. Childhood
3. Chapstick
4. New Chapstick
5. Backup Chapstick
*hates you so much replaces everything and everyone you love with a cat*
even if you already have a cat,
*replaces it with a worse cat*
I can also cook 😂
ME: (meeting the devil) I love your eggs.