I’ve been calling my wife “honey” for 12 years because I don’t know how to tell her I forgot her name.
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My ex : “Explain yourself”
Me : “Yourself” is used reflexively as the direct or indirect object of a verb or as the object of a preposition
*runs into san francisco restaurant* THE KALE WASN’T LOCALLY SOURCED
*sound of 100s of ubers smashing into each other outside restaurant*
The trick to doing crimes is to wait until after 5pm when all the police have gone home for the day
me: do you have a blowup mattress?
host: it’s explosive but it hasn’t blown up yet.
me: hahaha
host: hahaha
me: (nervous sweating)
I love how my dog hears me in the kitchen and runs in, as if expecting to magically see four hamburgers and a steak just laying on the ground.
Day 22 of quarantine and I’ve turned my living room into a nudist colony. The kids hate it but I’ve finally obtained some privacy
If I have a son, he’s going to be named Alvin Simon Theodore, and it’ll be funny as hell whenever anyone gets mad and yells his full name.
Funerals are expensiveeeeeee. Please put me in an airfryer when it’s my time.
Apparently at some point in history, hotcakes sold quite briskly.
My youngest daughter is blowing relentlessly on a recorder
So you can understand what level of stabby I am right now
Just banged my head but unfortunately it didn’t knock any more sense into it.
Her: I like a man who’s loud in bed
Me: *turns on my cpap machine*
Her: Not like that
I have a splitting headache today.
Voldemort must be back from the dead and attempting to kill me.
Some think kids are selfish, but when 8 sees I’m carrying too much stuff at once, he comes over and gives me a lengthy explanation as to why Black Panther could beat Spider-Man.
You know you’re getting old when you have to have a drink to motivate you to go out & have a drink.
why isn’t he texting back
“Tuna?”
“Yes.”
“Catnip?”
“On the list.”
“What about-“
“Relax Alvin, I got this.”
Wouldn’t it be WAY weirder if Taylor Swift DIDN’T get all excited at her boyfriend’s games? Like, what if she just sat there, stone-faced?
Forgive me father for I have sinned, last week I hissed at 47 people because I like to pretend I’m a mean cat
Most kids have a stuffed animal or blankie. My niece has one of those plastic owls u put outside to scare away birds
Even when I change my mind, it still doesn’t work any better.😁
Welcome to parenting class. First I will need you to walk barefoot across this floor strewn with legos. Now try to make a dog clean a bedroom. Finally take that pile of money and set it on fire. Congratulations. You’re ready. Here is your baby.
[feeding baby Malaysian food]
“Here comes the plane”
*makes plane noises**spoon just disappears*
joining a chess tournament and timidly saying “are you mad at me?” whenever they take a piece
I have an important question about the movie CATS which will ultimately determine whether or not I see it:
At any point in the film does one of the CATS cats sit in a cardboard box that is a little too small for them
Use your whole data plan each month. There are children in China that have no data plan
Wife: We’re going to Jessie’s BBQ today.
Me: She’s the one with the big—
Wife: They’re fake!
Me: So?-liveTweeting from the DogHouse
“Are you carrying any treats, sir?”
“No, I’m not.”
“Cookies? Biscuits?”
“Nope.”
“Please empty your pockets.”
“Listen, I’ve already told you-“
“I’ll also need to check your bag.”
“I don’t think that’s really nec-”
“Sir, I’d advise you not make this any harder than it needs to be.”
I found a body in the trunk of my car today, which is disturbing because I remember leaving 2 in there..
nurse: height
me: 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what