I’ve been Catholic for years and still have no idea which murders I should confess and which I should keep to myself.
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Me to my brain- why are you thinking this? Calm down!
My brain- *makes this irrational thought make more sense*
Me- STOP IT
God: you’re a fire ant.
Fire Ant: what does that mean?
God: when you bite something it burns like fire.
Fire Ant: [gasp] you mean I’m a dragon?
God: what-no.
Fire Ant: i’m the teensiest dragon!
My kid woke me up a 5:30 am because he was too hot. Never thought of myself as an extraordinary problem solver, but I told him to take his blanket off.
them: PTSD
my brain: Pacific Time Standard Disorder
Me: *scrunches my face*
13: Your forehead looks like one of those people from Star Trek.
Me: *gasps* HOW DARE YOU!… you know we’re a Star Wars family.
i get a version of this tweet a lot. and i feel like i finally nailed the reply today.
so, ya know, showing off!
Give your kid a bowl of chips, and he’ll eat for a few minutes. Let him dump out a bag of chips in the car, and he’ll eat for a whole week
“911, what’s your emergency?”
“My kids are being jerks.”
“Hey, Christian, you can’t keep calling here.”
“Are you gonna send help?”
“…”
As my mom finishes up cutting up my steak for me, I can’t help but notice that my date looks upset.
i like my men the same way i like my coffee; steadily getting cooler, as i inevitably forget they’re sitting next to me.
More photos of empty shelves in stores please, I love seeing the shelving infrastructure of each store.
It’s always a good idea to make friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
It’s not sexual harassment unless I don’t get the raise I was promised.
Distance is my jam, solitude is my peanut butter.
Sleeping Beauty taught me that:
1. I’m not the laziest girl in the land
2. If you sleep long enough, strange men break in & do stuff to you.
doctor: you’ve been bitten by a radioactive shark
me: so i’m gonna get shark powers right
doctor: you no longer have legs
me: just like a shark
I didn’t buy any junk food when I last left my house, March 19th…I am intensely regretting that decision.
My toxic trait is my personality or so I’ve been told.
It should be illegal for your kids to change their favorite color without giving you a 30 day notice
Whenever I’m having a bad day I think “Goddammit if a baby can hold their head up, then so can I.” Then I pee my pants and scream cuz that’s also what babies do.
I don’t hate people for their skin, creeds or heritage. I hate them based on how fond they are of Minions.
Someone rang my doorbell twice this morning, so I guess I’m having lunch behind the couch.
I wouldn’t trust someone as far as I could throw them
[throws someone]
ok, we can trust that baby
Me- Look at the beautiful Christmas lights kids!
My husband- Woo buddy, I’d love to see their electric bill
I drove by two different First Baptist churches today.
One of them is lying.
It’s terrible when my husband “misplaces” his phone after forgetting to do the chores he promised to do. *giggle*
I was eliminated as a contestant on Fear Factor after running screaming from a bee.
Anyone can pull a dr. doolittle like how do you know I’m lying, are you going to ask the animal you don’t think i can talk to, sir?
Ghost hunters use special cameras made specifically for taking soulfies.
Went on blind date, woke up in bathtub with kidney gone. 6 out of 10, would date again.