@iGreenMonk: I've been charged with murder for killing a man with sandpaper. Honest, I only meant to rough him up a bit.
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@weenbeans: *rubs temples* security guard: Hey you! Stop touching the historic buildings at this ancient religious site!!
@shariv67: People used to laugh when I said I wanted to be a standup comic. Well, no one's laughing now. Wait.
@TylerFoFyler: Had a big mix up at the store today, apparently when the clerk said "strip down facing me," she meant my credit card.