just seen a tiktok where this girl asked her bf for pads with wings so he got her pads & 36 chicken wings 💀
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8: I wish you could homeschool me
Me: Aww, how sweet, you’d really want me to be your teach-
8: That way like instead of doing work, I could just play baseball in the backyard and you could clean and stuff.
Me: Ah look, the bus.
So my kid secretly recorded me driving and singing and put it on social media if you needed to know how important birth control is today.
ME: *pointing gun* Give me everything.
WORKER: Sir, this is a pet shelter.
ME: I know.
*carried off into the sunset by a wave of animals*
peanut butter toast, simultaneously an underrated food and the majority of my genetic makeup
I’m at my most Disney Princess when I fight with my stepfamily before drunkenly losing my shoe at a party.
There is nothing sexier than when she locks eyes with me as she finishes…
..Frying the bacon
(First Day as Mailman)
ME: *wearing a suit made out of stapled together pieces of mail* Sup?
BOSS: You’re supposed to deliver those.
ME: No.
When people say they are fairly certain, I immediately picture a county fair, and imagine clowns were involved in their decision making process.
My 8yo explaining how grades work to her 6yo sister, “I mostly get A’s. A is for excellent!” My 6yo right after, “Oh yeah, and F is for FANTASTIC.”
Me: *gets comfortable*
Life: Just one more thing …
Family Clue night in my house be like: It was the teen in the kitchen with the bag of Doritos.
doc: [looking at clipboard] no no this isn’t good at all
me: omg why god whyy
doc: i asked for goldenrod and this form is ivory
me: wait, i’m not dying?doc: whoa there, hold your horses
” Wife: there is a man at the door with a mustache.
Husband: tell him i’ve already got one. “
the worst part about getting murdered has to be meeting a new person
Her: I’ve found a picture of you when you were a baby!
Me: yeah? let me see.
Her: *shows me a pic she took during a previous argument*.
And the award for Best Actress goes to…*opens envelope*….my 4 year old daughter for her overly-dramatic scene in “Bath Time”.
That moment at the flea market, when you realize you’re looking at a vampire killing kit.
Me: I’d like the chocolate soufflé
Waiter: It takes 45 minutes to prepare
M (right in her face): Then why are you still talking to me?
Very important new poster I stuck up in town today. This is my first step towards becoming a great businessman
SHE SAID YES!! 😍😍😍💍💍💍 i asked my mom if she was disappointed in me!!
The two FIFA World Cup 2014 songs are Ole Ola & La La La.
Our linguistic evolution as humans never ceases to amaze me.
In hell, everything you have Googled in your lifetime will scroll across a jumbotron.
HER: Now that we’re in lockdown, we really need to ration our snacks
ME: *sprinkling Oreo crumbs over a log cabin made of Snickers* Yeah definitely
The person who is your first and last thought of the day is either the one who has your heart, or who’s murder you’re secretly plotting.
*At hospital visiting a patient. Pulls emergency cord in bathroom*
Nurse: What’s the emergency ma’am?
Me: This toilet paper is on backwards.
“I got a kitten and it scratches me a lot.”
-Lame
-basic
-victim mindset“I hired a tiny, freelance, in-house acupuncturist.”
-cool!
-impressive
-sounds wealthy
i bet all the girls say “i bet you say that to all the girls” to all the guys.
mom: why is your room always so messy
me: so that if someone comes in and tries to kill me, they’ll trip over something and die
Wife: an asteroid is on it’s way!
Hubby: Did you order that from Amazon too?