Massaging the shoulders of the person in front of you at the Redbox machine will usually help them make up their mind faster.
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I make all guests at my house leave their phones at the door just because I know they’ll leave quicker that way.
Her: I like a guy who’s mechanically inclined
Me: *tilts my chair back all the way*
Her: no, I mean good with cars
Me: *hits play on the movie Cars*
Yes I have exams.
No, I’m not easily distracted.
Yes, my shadow is interesting.
Whenever someone says, “Good question” I never hear their answer because I’m too busy congratulating myself for asking such a good question.
men only want 1 thing. women only want 7 things. babies only want 53 things. dogs only want 633 things. flamingos refuse to divulge how many things they want
Parenting is mostly just informing kids how many more minutes they have of something.
For parents of small children, weekends are about as relaxing as showering with cats.
I’m naming all my children after Instagram filters. Hudson, Walden, Valencia, Kelvin, Brannan, Willow, and the twins, Toaster and 1977.
In a movie, whenever someone gets fired they never have two boxes of belongings.
I’m not saying women are smarter than men, but its kinda ironic that there’s so few known women serial killers and so many unsolved murders.
me: when is the last time you had a bath?
4: tomorrow
My memory is pretty bad until I’m pissed off, and then you are in for quite the surprise.
The woman that cleaned my house could make a lot of money by threatening to release the before and after photos
her: isn’t my baby beautiful
me: *don’t say he looks like Gollum*
*don’t say he looks like Gollum*
*don’t say he looks like Gollum*
he’s…preciousher: you said all of that out loud
I got the words yakuza and jacuzzi confused the other day.
Now I’m in hot water with the Japanese mafia.
14 is giving me a lecture about one of his video games. Pretty sure I’m gonna fail. His lectures are long, boring, make no sense, and I don’t see how I’ll ever use this in the real world.
when everyone else grabs a partner immediately and the teacher says “why don’t you come up and dance with me”
I’m fine, doctor. My heart rate was elevated because I was thinking about tacos
me: alexa
alexa: that name was a fiction to hide my true identity, alizarin the demon god of fear and-
me: is it okay to microwave glass
alexa: for how long
The Amazon algorithm? More like a buyological weapon, amirite?!
i don’t understand all these newfangled apps. like “phone”
me: *fixing something*
him: that’s not broken
me: well, it is now
My kids are starting to ask questions that I don’t know the answers to so I’m going to have to trade them in for dumber models.
My yearbook quote is the only thing I am proud of
2 Beers = 1 Tweet
5 Beers = 3 Tweets
9 Beers = 7 Tweets
12 Beers = 12 Tweets
24 Teers = 30 Beets
Me when I get ten emails in a minute at work
gotta say, i love living by the sword. i hope there are no consequences from this regarding how i ultimately die
You can usually win any arm wrestling contest by simultaneously leaning in for a kiss.
my girlfriend has literally 40 browser tabs open on her $170 chromebook. some tabs are like a week old and it’s not even slowing down. it’s astounding. trying to imagine what 1998 me would think of that. he’d be amazed i have a girlfriend
I’m at the point in my life where “friend with benefits” just means a person who gives me their Bed Bath & Beyond coupons.