date: do you like reading?
me: *holding menu upside down* is it spicy?
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Husband: *struggling to get soap out of the bottle*
Me: you know you could refill it
Husband: nah if you leave it long enough it fills up on its own
Me: do you think I’m the soap fairy!!?
Husband: omg are you?
Me: I hate you
Me: I was so happy before I lost my forearms in that shark attack
Therapist: How do you feel now?
Me: With my elbows
A true master of balance is someone who can saunter over to your table, drink in each hand, while being three sheets to the wind, and not spill a drop!
Saying ‘better luck next time’
is apparently frowned upon at a funeral.
The more you know..
“What do you prefer strength or length?” *How I talk to my friends … apparently about toilet rolls
You see some crazy stuff when you’re out late at night smearing raccoon blood on your neighbours windows.
I like mascarpone cheese. It sounds like the sort of cheese that would have ruled organised crime in 1920’s Chicago with an iron fist.
Me: Dude, back off. You’re totally scaring away all the hot guys checking me out at the gym.
H: You do realize I’m your husband, right?
Me: And I would do anything for love.
Her: Put your phone down.
Me: But I won’t do that.
Her: You said anything.
Me: No I won’t do that.
This probably isn’t good
cop: you were driving 30 mph under the speed limit
me: my in-laws are staying with us for a while, longer the commute the better
cop: you need to maintain the speed limit
me: *knocks book out of cops hands*
cop: are you trying to get arrested
me: yes please
My wife is in the kitchen and she will not bring me a beer here in the living room. That’s it…gonna text her and say “I cannot believe how lazy you are.
I banged my toe really hard on the sofa, and now it won’t stop texting me.
You never really forget how to misquote sayings. It’s like buying a bicycle
Me: welcome to my painting podcast
[wet slapping noises for 75 minutes]
Me: it’s a mountain
Name another movie that mislead you?
My favorite thing to say to old people is, “When I was your age I didn’t believe in reincarnation either”.
Me: *cleaning blood oozing from the walls* the ghost said it will quit haunting our house if you just put your stuff away
Husband: I said I would do it
Me: *being dragged to the basement by an invisible force* JUST PUT IT AWAAAAAAY
Husband: omg, you don’t have to nag
dracula: I vant to suck ur blood
me: oh no
dracula: I will drain u completely
me:
dracula: I will suck u dry
me:
dracula: why do u keep giggling
[Bee Gees voice]
you can tell by the way I use my walk,
that I stepped in shit,
while in the park
Great Halloween costume idea for couples: Go in a tandem Titanic costume, then get into a big fight halfway thru the night and break up
NEIL DIAMOND: hands, touchin’ hands, reachin’ out, touchin’ me, touchin’ you
WALMART HR: ok so let’s go over the proper way to greet customers
Whatever, Usain Bolt. I’ve been finishing in under 10 seconds for years.
Alternate reality. 🤣🤣🤣
(child accidentally being born in butcher shop)
Shirtless mother: what should we name him?
Father: um..*looks around room* a..bra…ham
Screw this, I’m going in search of buried treasure. I’m outta here. *stubs toe on coffee table*
A man messaged me on insta and said “you are not looking bad.” This might be the one, y’all
A Peeping Tom was hospitalized after falling out of a tree. Appropriately in the ICU.
Sperm: hey
Egg: hi
Fallopian Tube: ugh get a womb u two
weird to have so little faith in humanity nowadays that a guy could be hurling Molotov cocktails at me from his car and I’d be ok with it if he’s using his turn signals