I’ve been dating a girl online who I think might be a Catfish. Every time I try to meet, her excuse is that she “can’t survive on dry land.”
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a talented computer hacker can bring down any man, no matter how rich or powerful, by smashing him over the head with a brick
kayleigh i promise i won’t make fun of your name again pleighse give me another chance
5-year-old: Why do you do chores if you don’t like to?
Me: The same reason you eat your vegetables.
5: Because Mom is scary?
Bingo.
Bird: We can fly so we can go anywhere, soar through the skies, glide through the air!!
Bird 2: It’s incredible!!
Bird: imma stand in the road
Bird 2: Me too
Please stop saying that a problem is a “real pickle.” Pickles are delicious, store well, and have zero calories. You are a problem. Pickles are fine.
A family of ducks walks into a church. “Hi, yes, umm…I hear you have a man who turned his body into bread?” The father asks timidly.
HER: Let me know when you get your shit together.
ME: So I guess this is goodbye.
my dodgeball record is now up to 65-0 against my 5 and 6 year old.
the first two drinks don’t count if you have social anxiety they just turn you into a normal person
If by loaded the dishwasher you mean did I just take eleven shots of tequila, then yes, the dishwasher is loaded
Me: I look great today
Fluorescent lights: I can fix that.
*Me at a fitness consult
Trainer: you need to cut way back on carbs
Me: what am I supposed to melt my cheese on?
Trainer:
Me : where are you going?
It’s the last month of school, here are 97 activities in the middle of the day parents need to attend.
-elementary schools
Hi, I’m a fruit fly that could live here undetected, but, no, I’m gonna fly in this lady’s face til she makes it her mission to destroy me.
Date: I can’t believe you never saw titantic
Me: To be fair, it did sink before I was born
Now that I’ve raised teenagers it’s hard to look at babies the same way. They’re cute in the sense that a baby lion is cute, because I know what’s coming.
Harry: I got my scar when Voldemort tried to kill me. How about you?
Me, who walked into an open cabinet door: Uh, Azkaban prison riot
I love carbs so much, I’d let them look through my phone.
My muscle memory: Remember when we had abs?
Me: *presses “Continue” on Netflix
[1917]
allied soldier: my god this world war 1 is horrible
another soldier: wait, why did u call it that- are we gonna do this AGAIN
Me: Alexa, did you hear what Siri just said about you?!
Alexa: Hold my beer!!!
The closest I’ve ever come to winning anything was that time I got picked from a lineup at the station.
divorced parents be meeting at store parking lots exchanging they kids like it’s a drug deal. 😭
Dear plastic wrap,
I wish you’d cling to something other than yourself.
– me
Sorry I can’t make it, I asked my toddler if he wanted help putting on his shoes he answered “yes I don’t”
My husband annoyed me last night so I adjusted the toaster settings slightly this morning.
Look lady, you’ll find out why I brought a bib to our date as soon as the food gets here.
[Sitting in your closet]
I’m completely over you.
Priest: Body of Christ..
Gordon Ramsay: Dry.