@JordanPeele: I've been dating a girl online who I think might be a Catfish. Every time I try to meet, her excuse is that she "can't survive on dry land."
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@Sickayduh: I tried to kill a spider by drowning it in douche and now it keeps picking fights with me on social media
@grantgirl2004: A large account followed me to thank me for a trophy through DM, then immediately unfollowed me. It must be exhausting to be Twitter elite.
@kumailn: The Devil has his own Bible. He's releasing it slowly in internet comment threads all across the web.