@IamDrainBamaged: I've been dieting for 2 weeks now and so far I lost 5 Instagram followers.
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@djdarrellripley: My mom has a rule that we do nothing on Christmas that Jesus didn't do. Apparently, Jesus drank a pitcher of martinis & hit on the caterer..
@BlackCatBettie: I'm really bad at portioning uncooked pasta...so if you and 110 of your friends wanna come over, dinner is ready.
@KentWGraham: My wife was going to make pancakes. Then she wasn't. Then she was. Then wasn't. Then was. Now it looks like she's just waffling.