“Some people call me the space cowboy, some call me the gangster of love. Some people call me Maurice, cause…”
Barista: I’m writing “Mo”.
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ME: Can I have the job please
INTERVIEWER: I meant, like, questions ABOUT the job
ME: Ah, yes. About the job: Can I have it
How to build a nested list
1) Start like this
A) Then do this
Bird: I live here now
2) Make sure to get the bird out
Bird: NO
13yo Jesus: You’re not my real dad! I HATE YOU!
Joseph: One of these days boy, I’ll— [distant thunder] I’ll do nothing. Absolutely nothing.
<- sleeps well with others
ladies, when he’s sick, treat him right
1. make him chicken soup
2. tuck him in with the remote
3. buy a boa constrictor to snuggle him
Life lesson: do not tile your kitchen floor the same colour as a Cheerio
my husband has been taking sailing lessons and instead of putting it on our calendar like a normal person he prefers to stand up abruptly, stare out the window, and proclaim “I must go to the sea!”
I get it roosters, I scream when I wake up in the morning too
sibling culture is not talking to each other for awhile and then texting them “this is you” along with a picture of an ugly bird you found online
Whenever someone says, “that’s what she said”, I like to reply with, “not to you”
me: waiter this soup is cold
waiter: it’s Gazpacho
me: Gazpacho this soup is cold
Office printers are like predators that can smell stress.
Me, whispering to myself: When it’s time to party, we will always party hard.
As a kid Popeye was my hero. I’d stare at canned spinach and longed to eat it so I could be as strong as him. One day I stole a can from my grandma and with sweet anticipation took my first bite ever only to find out it tasted like… well canned spinach. Crime doesn’t pay kids.
Any bird can be a woodpecker if it’s stupid enough
ME: Im a secret agent
THEM: With like the FBI
ME: Idk its a secret
As if it weren’t bad enough being stuck inside this increasingly failing meat chassis, why’s the calcium scaffolding gotta be weakening too?
Go on vacation so you can discover the earliest time that your kids will ever wake up
Your Honor, my client would like you to stop being so mean, even though we both know she deserves it.
[spiders pour into room]
THEYRE EVERYWHERE
[group of tap dancers enter] ALRIGHT MEN THIS IS WHAT WEVE TRAINED FOR
Homophobia isnt much about fear, true, but I wish it was more like Arachnaphobia(I heard that every year in your sleep you swallow 7 gays)
Sorry if I smell weird. I touched an old sponge last week
Anyone know how to create an Outlook rule that sends every email to junk, deletes it, blocks the sender, and sets my laptop on fire?
(On a date at Whole Foods) “Isn’t this place great?”
Cashier: “Sir, please stop standing on the dates.”
I think a better question is- Where’s Waldo’s parents?? That dude is constantly getting lost in large crowds…
When an unattractive woman in a bar asks me my sign I tell her “Stop.”
Things will never get better until you make the conscious decision to lower your standards.
Got booted from the rest stop bathroom for tickling everyone’s ankles
date: [pulls away from kissing] let’s move this to your bed
me: [sitting on a futon] you’re not gonna believe this
*makes a series of careless mistakes that are clearly my fault*
Mercury in retrograde again I see