@IamDrainBamaged: I've been dieting for 2 weeks now and so far I lost 5 Instagram followers.
YOU MIGHT ALSO LIKE
@Fat_Jalbert: Waiter: how would you like your steak? Me: rare [later] Waiter: *brings steak with a 1st edition Charizard on it* Me: *tearing up* perfect
@OfficialMizGin: I’m not afraid of spiders. I’m afraid of people who are afraid of spiders. Please stop screaming and put down the hammer.
@mandysparklerxo: You'll never say "wrong hole" more often than when you're trying to help a toddler put on gloves.
@danorslim: Me: You wanna have sex tonight? GF: I'm not in the mood babe. Me: Hold on a second. I'm on the phone.