the whole internet loves Stanley Cups, the viral cup that you can drink from! *5 seconds later* we regret to inform you the cup is poison
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I can’t get you off of my mind. I need you inside of me now. C’mere, and let me devour you.
-me, to my cheese and crackers.
why do marvel movies need 3 hours to accomplish what the powerpuff girls did in 11 minutes
I told my 5 year old my birthday was coming up and he asked if we were going to have pizza and a bounce house and now I’m wondering why the hell I’m not.
party idea: “DUI or IUD?” u can only invite people who have one or both and u CAN’T divulge which
Me, taking my clothes off at a crematorium: So, where’s the sauna?
Is anyone gonna tell them?
I don’t care your religion, sexual preference or politics, if you’re a respectful person, I’ve have a drink with you…
Them: Great, I’ll order a decaf
Me: Get the hell out of my sight!
Someone: he doesn’t look so good.
Someone else: we have to say the magic words!
Chanting: whiskey, bacon, tacos, pizza, whiskey, bacon, tacos, pizza…
Me: *slowly rises from the dead*
He died in the bath trying to make a YouTube video entitled ‘Aqua-Toast’.
‘How many lights do you wanton?”
“It’s too bright, can you dimsum?”
~ Chinese chefs setting the mood.
With dog videos it’s just “I love you,” but with cat videos there’s betrayal, intrigue, deception, hubris, conspiracy, infamy and occasionally “I love you.”
I’ve hidden porn everywhere. Not ordinary porn either, all that weird shit.
When I die, my family will talk about me for years to come.
The downside to being such a good man is all the s*xual excitement it evokes in my admirers. As such, I’ve had to create a series of automated messages in my DMs to deal with all the s*xy texting requests
3: mom I did a jump
Me: it was great
3: mom I did a jump
M: you did
3: mom I did a
M: jump yes
3: mom I did a
M: [jumps out window] me too
ME: I can’t believe it’s not butter
FRIEND: This is a shoe
ME: Omg I can’t believe it
In my 20s: I would never lie to my kids. They will be strong enough to see the world as it is.
In my 30s: That’s called Paw Patrol. They only have it at the barber. You can watch it again the next time you get a haircut.
Her: The world is gonna end in 30 minutes!!! 30 MINUTES!
Me *ordering a pizza* yeah this will be tight, for sure
Him: I know your secret
Me:*nervously sweating, remembering my Netflix history* Yeah?
H: You killed someone
M: *relieved* Oh, haha. Yep
Growing up, mum was always like a beautiful bird. She would fly away and when she returned many hours later she would puke everywhere.
[Having guests over for the first time after restrictions are lifted]
Them: Wow your place looks great! So clean!
Us: Thanks we were trying to stay alive.
*performs perfect sleeper hold and drags another mailman into the garage*
…they just keep sending more…
My kid said that she doesn’t have diarrhea, but she might have alittlesickarrhea
Lawyer: I’d like to introduce my star witness
Astronomer: Hello
Her: “Your funny”
Me: “…. Uh ya… this isn’t gonna work”
Why do they call it a ‘reading of the will’ and not a dead giveaway?
There’s no one lazier than the guy who named the orange.
*orders expensive cat bed*
*waits 5 weeks for overseas shipping*
*watches the cat ignore it for 6 months*
*finally throws it, defeated, on top of the wardrobe*
But that’s none of my business