I’ve been dressing all the chipmunks in my neighborhood up as lil miners but their tiny headlamps are making it too easy for owls to spot them this is a nightmare
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They put rubber bands on lobster claws to prevent them from being on their phones all day.
I love it when I see an old friend I haven’t seen in years and pretend to not see them
1965~ Wow Cher looks good
1985 ~ Wow Cher looks good
1995 ~ Wow Cher looks good
2020 ~Wow Cher looks good
3035 ~ Wow Cher looks good
Marriage tip: There is never an appropriate time after a meal your wife cooked to say “This is not what Jesus died for”.
Audrey Hepburn probably has my favorite last name that combines an STD and a symptom of an STD
The Great Wall of China is one of the 7 wonders of the world just because it’s a Chinese product that’s lasted more than a month.
Being a grammar perfectionist with big hamds and a small keyboard is the reason I have amger issues.
btw the stereotype of americans i have run into the most so far in europe is that americans work themselves to death for nothing
Me: i hate it when I have to come in to work
Boss: i hate it when you have to come to work, too
Got out of jury duty yesterday by confessing to the crime
*puts on Rocky theme music*
*cracks neck*
*cracks knuckles*
*stretches*
*jogs in place*
*picks up phone to call mom*
I don’t like when they use “late” to describe a deceased person. It’s like give a guy a break on his attendance, he’s dead.
My husband’s parenting style is to menacingly say “Yeah!” after everything I say when I reprimand the kids.
I’m almost 45 years old and I’ve never been to an open house before. Can I use their toaster?
the pandemic has hit the spaghetti labor market especially hard
the noise i just made
[son comes home with big lump on his forehead]
ME: Oh no, what happened?
7: I fell down on the playground.
ME: How did you fall?
7: Forward.
[crime scene]
BATMAN: Who the hell are you?
MANBAT: Who the hell are YOU?
BATMAN: I’m Batman. A man who dresses like a bat.
MANBAT: I’m Manbat. A bat who dresses like a man.
[BATBAT arrives]
BATBAT: Who the hell are you two?
The old lady ringing me up at the store got frustrated w/ the barcode on my cheese not working so she just gave it to me for free…she is now sole beneficiary of my Will
Brunos are from Mars, Freddies are from Mercury.
Start a slow-clap in a quiet, crowded room. The first person that joins you, marry them. They’re your soulmate.
I could probably be lured into a white van with no windows with guacamole.
…or queso.
…or salsa.
…or dill pickles.
…or Jeff Goldblum.
…or, hell, any kind of cheese at all.
I ain’t picky.
Gluten free pizza is like a roller coaster that just goes straight.
Me: When the edibles kick in
Everyone: You forgot to attach a picture or a gif
Me: Exactly
*Takes out phone & plays Cindi Lauper’s True Colors as you reach for the last slice of pizza without asking*
M: what’s this about, 007?
James Bond: he’s plotting revolution, ma’am
M: are you sure?
JB: he’s happy to confess, ask him
M: *turning to the suspect* what do you have to say for yourself?
pigeon: coo
M: my god man, you’re right!
*pterodactyl wakes his wife up pissing at 3am*
WIFE: I thought your pee was supposed to be silent!!!
“Hey Cyclops are you still dating Jean?”
“No Storm, we broke up. You could say she’s my…”
*lowers sunglasses*
*eye beams obliterate Storm*
It’s adorable how I write “beer” on my shopping list like I’d somehow forget.
Too much work, not enough rich vampire boyfriend who cleans my house.